I once was lost but now I'm found

I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm don't have a great personality. I'm ugly, stupid, awkward, easily angered, strange, annoying. And yet, I'm so blessed to have people who love me, if not people, Jesus loves me. I'm so blessed to have gotten to know Jesus. I'm so blessed by God. I'm nothing, yet God gave me so much. I'm horrible, and yet God loves me. I'm stupid, and yet God thinks I'm precious. I'm not the best daughter, and yet God looks past that. Thank you for blessing me with so much God. Thank you that you use the weak to do great things. Thank you for Jesus. Help me to glorify your name as it should be glorified because you are amazing. I love you daddy. ♡

I'm not particularly sure if I'm expecting too much from formal. I mean, the event is fine in itself, but socially, not really. If I can't interact properly with my supposed close friends, how am I supposed to be not awkward at the formal. Maybe I'm overthinking things again, but it's true. 어떡해? How do I NOT stay silent on the night? *sigh* While everyone just goes off and enjoys themself, I can't possibly be in a corner alone right? *sighhh* If only I had a date to accompany me. :/ God, help?

They may not feel awkward if I just message them and gush out emotions, but I do. It's not that I don't want to and I know they love me, but it's still quite alarming. Which is why I'm here. Y'know, it's so hard to be home. I just want a happy, peaceful meal, especially when I'm not feeling well, but no. It's too much to ask for. A sister who's yapping her head off with complaints and a dad who likes to shout. What a nice combo. Let me get out of here now. This, I guess is one of the reasons why I like time alone. It's peaceful, it's refreshing. No-one to disturb you, no-one complaining, no-one shouting. No brother who wants to play. Just me.

I need you. Right now. The hurt in my heart. I need you. But you're never there. You never see my needs. You never care. I'm nothing but another person. I can't even trust you. You're not there. You don't realise how broken I am. It hurts so much.

Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices.  You will grieve, but your grief will turn into joy." "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." These 2 verses caused those awaiting tears to just flow endlessly. Yes, I will be lonely. Yes, I will feel sad. I will feel neglected. But Jesus. He died for me. He overcame the world so that I could have peace in Him. So that when I feel sad, lonely, neglected, I know how much Jesus loves me. I know how much God loves me. Things will be better. Trust in Jesus.

Felt really unsettled today. My emotions were on a rage. Mood swings? O.o Idk. On the verge of tears for the whole day. It was lonely. Many friendships, but none seem to have the ability to last. Gone with the wind. Maybe I'm scared. Scared of what? Maybe it's lack of communication? Yet when I tell people, they turn away. They don't care. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. God, why can't you just take me away? Take me home.

Stop telling me I'm stupid. Stop telling me I'm weird. Stop telling me I have no brain. Just because I don't know where to get off of the bus. Just because I couldn't find the entrance. Don't tell me how stupid I am. I know very well to what extent my brain works. I don't take buses as often as you. I don't need to know how it works. The very fact that I even got to my destination is good enough with a brain like mine. Don't go announcing that I'm stupid. That I'm weird. I hear it enough. I get devalued enough. Now can you just appreaciate me? I feel unappreciated enough as it is. I DON'T NEED TO FEEL ANY WORSE.

I don't know why I'm crying. 4 words running through my head. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love me. It never made an impact on me. It never dawned on me that one day he'll end up with someone that's not me. He doesn't love me. He'll never love me. I'm a nothing to him. Stop crying Annie. It's not you. Stay strong Annie. Don't be weak.

Let me go back. Just for a day. To those days when I need not have a care in the world. To those days when I didn't need to understand anything. To those days when I felt loved. To those days when I was innocent. A child. Let me go back. To the days when you hadn't changed. To those days before I began to realise friendships were fleeting. To those days when I just freely loved you without having to care whether you felt the same way or not. To those days when I didn't need to feel insecure. Lonely. I want to go back.