I once was lost but now I'm found

Seeiously about to break down on the train because I'm really stressed. The reality of exams is getting to me and I can't do this.

You know when you consciously tell yourself not to do something, but do it anyway? Well, yeh, I was consciously telling myself to not join in the gossip, but I did it anyway! I don't even know why I did that! Sorry Daddy :( Whatever I say probably makes you angry right now, but please forgive me. :( And help me to not do it again! Help me to hold my tongue. /Cries I know you hate it when I sin continuously, and I seriously want to know why you sent your awesome son to die for me even though I'm so sinful. So, so, so sinful. :( But either why, I'm grateful. Very very very grateful. Please do forgive me for gossiping. I love you Daddy!

Stop trying so hard to fit in. Your identity shouldn't be in the people around you, they're not going to be there forever. They will do things that hurt you, even unintentionally. So stop, find your identity in Christ instead. He is the one you should look to, always. When everyone else hurts you, he will be your only comfort. He is your eternal God.

Last night he called again. And you know what I hate myself for? Never having the courage to say "stop calling me". Annie, why are you such a chicken :( Why are you so scared anyway?

The most beautiful words I've heard this whole week are, "I think I'm already there."  (context)  A friend who came to church around 2 months ago (and who I've become quite close to), has somewhere along the way already accepted Jesus as her saviour! Was asking thoughts on RICE and she answered with the above words.  YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Thank you Jesus for saving Christine. :) Thank you for adopting her into your family, and revealing to her your great love for us.  Please keep working in her so that she may become a woman, proud to call your her God, her King and her Father.  God, you work in such mysteriously wonderful ways. I can't ever fully comprehend your ways, but I know that you are working in those who love you and call your their Lord and Saviour. And I know you love us, even more than we could ever love you.  On a different note, sorry Daddy for sinning again. I seem to always fall into Satan's trap.  I always, always feel so guilty and ashame...

Spent the last hour or so chatting with a brother and encouraging him, trying to bring him back to God. I've realised how hypocritical I can be...I really need to take my own advice. :( "Go to your bros and sis'" "Pray." "Read." These are things I myself have to do as well. *sigh* Annie Yan, take your own advice and do these things. geez.

So, my relationship with mum has evidently gotten better since the time when we cried/prayed together. God works in amazing ways. Dad and I are slowly getting better. As slow as a snail I must say, but hey, trust and wait on the Lord. I can't tell if my friendships are better or worse...I'm close to a few, but feel really awkward around others. Maybe it's just me being awkward...maybe they don't feel awkward at all. My sister and I...we're doing better. I haven't gone off at her in a long while, which is REALLY GOOD. Really need to understand that we are different, and I can't expect a certain behaviour from her. God and I are good too. Hehe, YAY DADDY! Gotta really keep working at this relationship though. But it's okay, because I know God is working at it too. :3 On that same note, it's been hard for me to grasp creationism vs evolution/Darwinism. Especially since studying it in biology. I believe God made everything, but I can't help but t...

Went to the GP yesterday and got some meds prescribed to me. Except they're not working and in ways, making it worse. :< You can probably already guess how upset I am that nothing is working. It's gotten to a point where I need to lie to myself and fet myself to ignore the pain and just go and do the things I normally do. Even try to ignore the pain, telling myself it doesn't exist so I can fall asleep. Ah well. What can I do but trust in Jesus?  

I'm sick of dad's mask. I can't even tell if it's a mask. So sick of him making a joke out of serious matters. Uncle has cancer and he laughs it off saying  that it's nothing. If he dies, then let it be. He dismissed mum's insecurity and said she was crazy. He dismisses the very fact that I'm stressed by saying that I'm not trying hard enough. If I did, I wouldn't need to stress. He dismisses my sister's headaches, saying its a figment of her imagination. He dismisses my pain with it's nothing. It'll go away. I'm sick of it. Makes me so angry to hear those words coming out of my dad's mouth.

Recently discovered a band called The Ember Days and I'm really liking their music & lyrics. This song especially: Lock the door, throw it all away, close your eyes, let it fade. Lift your head, count your blessings now, lift your hands, let it fade. Sometimes I wonder, why crying's much easier, than letting go. Sometimes I wonder, why crying's much easier, than letting go. And that's it- it's so simple, yet it's a good reminder to count your blessings and give praise to God, especially when things around you are crazy.

Today, I was informed that my uncle (my favourite one at that) has cancer. It was pretty unexpected considering my uncle actually seemed healthy. Although we don't know whether it's dangerous or mild, I'm still feeling rather uncomfortable and unhappy about it. I don't know. So much is happening in my family lately, with arguments and illnesses. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do. sigh...

Been reading Genesis over the past week. Hoping to keep it up-trying to read the Bible beginning to end. Some thoughts on Genesis so far: 1. God must've been really really angry (understatement) when Adam, Eve and the generations after sinned against Him. 2. What would it be like if I was in Noah's position? Having to watch the whole earth wiped over by a flood. I really admire Noah's faithfulness- God tells you to do something, don't hesitate, just do it. Don't even question his intentions, just believe. 3. Really seeing how amazing God's grace is. He could've unleashed his wrath on us you know? He can, right here, right now, choose to wipe out earth again. But nope. He chose to be merciful sent His son to die for us on the cross as the ultimate sacrifice and save us from condemnation. He did this while we were still sinners too! Gosh, God is amazing. 4.  So, after Noah gets out of the ark, he presents a sacrifice. Can't help but notice that it sai...