I once was lost but now I'm found

My parents are arguing right now. I really want to help, I really do. But I walked in, and I couldn't do anything. It hurts a lot to hear them arguing over trust issues. Daddy, please soften the hardened hearts. Teach them to trust and love each other, but most of all you. Let your will reign over their life. Give me the wisdom to know what to say, and the courage to say it. Amen.

Follow up from yesterday's post, I had a talk with mum. She's going to be talking to dad tonight and it might end up in a separation of the family. I'm scared. I don't like how I'm the only one out of the three who understands. I don't want the family to separate. I really don't. No, I won't be okay. It'll hurt so much. Mum told me not to think about it too much, I can't do it. Mum told me not to cry. I can't do it. It's so quiet tonight. What am I going to do, Daddy? Daddy, this is so sudden. Daddy. Daddy. Help.

Mum came in with dad's phone asking for help, wanting to find his contacts and who he's contacted recently. I can tell that she is insecure. I can tell. Being able to decipher her intentions worries me. Last time mum was insecure, it led to something I don't want to remember. It hurts to see that my mum doesn't trust dad fully. It hurts knowing that something is making her feel this way. What's happening to the family? Screw that. What family...? I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how to react. I don't know how to help. What's happening... Dad, please be the centre of this family. Please...take away any feelings of insecurity mum has and teach her trust. Show me what I can do and give me the courage to do it. Amen.

After two years of not talking to a friend who I'd treated horribly, I finally sent her a messaging to apologise. I don't know how she will respond, I don't even know if she even took the time to read it. I don't blame her, it was my fault. And however she decides to respond, whether she decided to even read it, I will understand. Dad, I do hope we can become friends again, her and I. But if she doesn't want it, it's okay. Let your will be done.

I'm trying. I'm really trying to forget the feelings. I knew it was going to be difficult, but I'm really trying. Daddy. help me. I really don't want him to be a stumbling block in my relationship with you. Please show me what you want me to do.

I was at a family friend's place today, one of dad's friends, and all they ever talk about is how their kids are doing at school. There happened to be one kid (who I'm admittedly not very fond of), who made it to NSGHS, and has the potential to go to Ruse. I don't care about that (except for the fact that even though she's in year 6, she brags a lot), but I do care about my parents' response to the girl's mum. "Your daughter is so studious and hardworking, Annie doesn't even focus on her studies." I get it, it's an Asian thing to do, comparing children.  So, I don't work hard huh? So, all this time I strived to get good marks is worth nothing to you. I'm trying, I really am. But you don't seem to see it. Why did I even bother to try?  I actually know the answer to the last question- to honour my parents through study, all in order to glorify God. 

I've had some very strange thoughts lately, it's terrifying really. And all this time, I've been ignoring it. The one recurring question is- "what will it feel like to be dead?" When I imagine the answers, they never seem pleasant. I remember one distinctly, where I'm in this place, and there's a lot of fire, and hanging chains. I don't even know if it's just Hollywood messing with my mind, but it's rather terrifying.  Daddy, why is it that when I imagine death, it isn't in heaven with you? Why is my picture of death such  terror? And why have I not trusted that by your grace, you have gifted eternal life through Christ? Daddy, keep reminding me that Jesus has paid the price. Please give me assurance, and lead me back to you. I don't want to live with these terrifying images, and believe that is what awaits, because I know it isn't. Dad, take away these images and replace it with your glory. Amen.

Noise, all I ever hear at home is noise. Mind you, it's always just shouting. Shouting shouting shouting. Why isn't there ever any peace and quiet? Why is it just noise? You question why I don't like going home? Why don't you try staying in my house permanently? Let me tell you, it isn't pleasant. So darn tired.