I haven't written in quite a long time, and honestly, it's not because nothing's going on. On several occasions I had wanted to write something, but I guess a part of me felt like if I wrote it up, I had to deal with it, and I didn't want that. (Yes, avoiding problems) And even though I still don't want to deal with it, I figured it'd be good to let it out here so I wouldn't be bottling things up again.
The first thing is that the loneliness/worthless thoughts are back. No matter how many times I'm told, "you're not useless, you're not worthless, you're precious in God's sight", it just never stops the thinking. This time however, I know it's for 'good' reason, something I do need to repent of rather than beating myself up with it. I feel that a lot of the time, I'm not as godly as I should be. For example the time when my friend thought I was going to swear- is that how people see me? Or when I just listen along with the gossiping that is happening around me. I'm not being the godly example that I should be to others. And I'm beating myself up for it.
The next thing to address is how things are going with B. I'm trying to let him go. I am. And it's killing me because it's so difficult. I know that I still like him, and it's not helpful when I'm trying not to. (I know, liking someone isn't easily stopped.) I'm thankful for school though, because this way, I can focus on the HSC and schoolwork rather than thinking about this. Not much has changed, and I feel like it should, but it hasn't and I'm annoyed.
Which brings me to my next point- I'm becoming easily annoyed, even over the littlest of things. The other day I yelled at my sister because she told me to put the salad into a separate bowl before eating it. She was perfectly logical, and yet I still yelled at her like it was her fault. I guess this ties back into me not being as godly as I should be.
Last thing is that I haven't gotten much of an update on my pains. I think they're almost certain that it's the adhesions & blood causing it and all they're doing is trying to stop bleeding and reducing the pain as much as possible. The problem? The pain isn't getting reduced. Honestly, if it's quicker, I'd rather they go in there and untangle things to get rid of the pain. I can tolerate pain from surgery because it's short term, I don't like dealing with long term pain.
Right now, I'm falling a little behind on work, but I'm sleepy, so I'm going to bed. Good night.
:)
The first thing is that the loneliness/worthless thoughts are back. No matter how many times I'm told, "you're not useless, you're not worthless, you're precious in God's sight", it just never stops the thinking. This time however, I know it's for 'good' reason, something I do need to repent of rather than beating myself up with it. I feel that a lot of the time, I'm not as godly as I should be. For example the time when my friend thought I was going to swear- is that how people see me? Or when I just listen along with the gossiping that is happening around me. I'm not being the godly example that I should be to others. And I'm beating myself up for it.
The next thing to address is how things are going with B. I'm trying to let him go. I am. And it's killing me because it's so difficult. I know that I still like him, and it's not helpful when I'm trying not to. (I know, liking someone isn't easily stopped.) I'm thankful for school though, because this way, I can focus on the HSC and schoolwork rather than thinking about this. Not much has changed, and I feel like it should, but it hasn't and I'm annoyed.
Which brings me to my next point- I'm becoming easily annoyed, even over the littlest of things. The other day I yelled at my sister because she told me to put the salad into a separate bowl before eating it. She was perfectly logical, and yet I still yelled at her like it was her fault. I guess this ties back into me not being as godly as I should be.
Last thing is that I haven't gotten much of an update on my pains. I think they're almost certain that it's the adhesions & blood causing it and all they're doing is trying to stop bleeding and reducing the pain as much as possible. The problem? The pain isn't getting reduced. Honestly, if it's quicker, I'd rather they go in there and untangle things to get rid of the pain. I can tolerate pain from surgery because it's short term, I don't like dealing with long term pain.
Right now, I'm falling a little behind on work, but I'm sleepy, so I'm going to bed. Good night.
:)
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