I once was lost but now I'm found

This week, I've spent nights consciously repeating to myself that I'm not defined by what I've always thought myself to be defined as. I've repeated time and time again that my identity is found in Christ, yet to no avail, I still found myself wallowing in my insecurities.  Time and time again, I've thought of physical pain in exchange for emotional pain- even though such thoughts disgust me. I've thought of taking pill after pill after pill, just to dull the thoughts.  Yet I am glad, for I've come to realise once more the greatness of his love for me, though having known it for such a long time.  I am not defined by my insecurities, but my identity is found in Christ, for it was He who humbled himself, suffered yet remained perfect and blameless, was crucified, died, and rose again, to bring me to God.  "Christ died once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God." -1 Peter 3:18 

To hear your own sister say to your face that she hates you... :/ In a sense, I should be used to it because she says it so often, but it still hurts quite a bit. :/ Yep, she hates me. I'm the absolute worst.

Currently in a mood where I just don't want to deal with anything- not my family, not my dead laptop, not my feelings.  But then again, that was what the past weeks felt like, simply because I'm so sick and tired of everything that's been going on since the exam period began.  I'm so tired, not just physically, but emotionally too. And I don't want to admit it, but spiritually as well.  Sure, the past weeks were a good learning experience for me, but it felt like I had no time at all to just wind down and relax. To not have to worry over other things when I spent time with God.  That sounds nice...having no worries. Too bad it doesn't happen. :/ 

You can never tell that we're sisters. She probably hates me because I'm such a horrible sibling. I'm the worst.

Welp, all exam results are back, and to say the least, I'm disappointed in myself. Although when compared to the grade, I didn't do too horribly, my grades dropped quite significantly. This may be due to what happened that week in addition to exam stress, but I feel like I'm just giving myself excuses when I think that. However, despite the disappointment, I know that I tried my best, and everything was in fact under God's control. Bad exam marks aren't the end of the world- and if anything, I've learnt not to dwell on it for too long, and move on. Take it as a learning experience. Fix your eyes on Jesus. It'll be over soon.

Been keeping it hidden for 4 years, I'm finally telling him. For the sake of closure and letting go so I won't continue to be distracted by this. Now, let's hope I don't chicken out last minute because I tend to do that. God, you've given me the courage to decide this. Now, I need to have the confidence and do it. Please give me the words to say. Your will be done.

I got an email today from one of the Bible apps I subscribed to, which is something I get on a normal basis. Siince we're speaking of 'normal basis', it would probably be worthwhile to mention that I would normally just delete the email and move on.  Today however, I opened the email. What I found was very compelling and really spoke to me:  Then Paul answered, “Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.” (Acts 21:13)  There's no doubt that Paul is a great encouragement to disciples, but this verse was not only an encouragement, it shouted out to me.  Paul talks about being bound- going to prison for the glory of Jesus; I, as much as I hate to admit it, still can't do that. I am a coward, who would rather avoid something so I'm not in anyway hurt, than to do it in Jesus' name.  So, from now on, I will, with the strength of God, step out of my comfort zone and do the...