I once was lost but now I'm found

Another day of intense pain, another day of faltering in my trust in God. In times of pain, my mind is clouded by the lies Satan tells me, i.e. my pain defines me; there is no hope, God doesn't heal. But I know it's not true.  CHRIST defines me - my true identity is in Him. There IS hope.  God DOES heal - just not now. Annie,  Never forget that despite the bleakness of the future, and the uncertainty of whether God will take away the pain in this life, God is faithful, and God has a purpose for the pain. His purposes may not be clear now but trust Him. Look forward to the day He makes all things new.

Dear mum, Why is my prospects of having kids such an issue for you? Why can you not accept it? Why do you need to reiterate that it’s not that I “can’t”? Why do you make it seem like I am less valuable as a person just because I can’t have kids like a normal human being?

The sorrow and grief-stricken lamentation of Job in this chapter very much mirrors the darkness I feel, especially in times of severe pain and anxiety. It's good to know and remember that emotions portrayed in the Bible are real, and I can take comfort in knowing that the Christian life is no rainbows and happiness, but God knows our pain and suffering. There is good purpose, one that brings Him glory. So, trust God. 

Reflecting on contentment this morning, I was struck by how easy I find it to complain and grumble about life. Even just looking through this blog, most of the posts consist of me complaining about some aspect of my life. God is so good, and yet I so often forget to thank Him for all the good things he gives. Be content! God is good always - even in weakness and suffering.

In weakness, God’s strength prevails. Take heart! 

I’ve always found it hard to admit that I’m not doing ok. I think it’s because admitting I’m not ok means I’m weak, and need help. I’m not ok, means I can’t pick myself up anymore.  But today I’m admitting it. I’m not ok.  From the chronic pain, to the panic attacks, I want to end it all.  I can’t do this anymore.  God, I know you are watching over me, help. Reveal to me how you are using this for your glory. 

My stress levels have been on the rise and I’ve had 1 panic attack a day for the last 3 days. I’ve noticed that recently in order to help cope with my uneasiness/stress, I’ve been digging my nails into my skin, to the point that I have small scars on my hands. God please help to ease my stress, relax my soul, and help me put my trust in you. Help me to love the body you’ve given me, not to bring it harm.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 In a time where thoughts consist of just wanting it all to end and “I can’t do this anymore”, cling tightly to God’s promises. He is faithful.

Christ the sure and steady anchor,  In the fury of the storm; When the winds of doubt blow through me,  When my sails have all been torn. In the suffering, in the sorrow,  When my sinking hopes are few;  I will hold fast to the anchor,  It will never be removed.

I don't want to live with pain anymore.  God, WHY? 

My grandfather passed away yesterday. He was a healthy man (save for the smoking he refused to give up and the low blood pressure) so it was very unexpected. So unexpected that when the news came, we all thought it was a joke. But on confirmation of his passing, I slowly retreated to my room and panicked. I asked God, why? What happened? Why did you take him away before I got to see him? I'm really never going to see my grandfather again. A startling reminder of the finality of death, but also the urgency of the Gospel. Death comes when we least expect it - use this time wisely. I miss and love you, 公公. I also miss and love you, 婆婆.

I like control. I like knowing what's coming up, what to expect, what the plan is. I hate the unknown, the uncertain - I want to know what the future holds and make sure it's a smooth journey. But as the year draws to an end, and the uncertainties of the next few months/next year emerge, I realise I don't and can't have control.  I have a plan for the future, but as James 4 says, ' What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.'  Who can say tomorrow I will do this, next year I will do this, in the future I will do this? The future is big and scary, but when control is surrendered to God, there is no need to be afraid. Things may not go according to my plan, in fact, it won't, but I can rest knowing God's plan is so much greater and so much better.  Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.  - Psalm 127:1 ...

A timely reminder in the midst of chaos.

A very close friend of mine came out to me today. I'm shocked because it was a little unexpected, but all I want him to remember is that I love him and God loves him (much more so than I do).  Thank you for trusting me, but thank you even more for the example you've set for me in your love for Christ. Your honesty is a huge testament to your faith in Christ. Glad to have you as a brother in Christ.

Don't forget the steadfast  love that had been shown to you. Unwavering, unconditional, steadfast.