I once was lost but now I'm found

It’s gonna be ok. It sucks in this moment, but you know that this light and momentary affliction is preparing for you an eternal weight of glory that is beyond comparing. It’s painful now, but it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. Because your Father in heaven, who created this world and all the is in it, who is in control of even the smallest speck of dust, loves you so dearly. So don’t lose heart Annie! You will be alright, trust Him!

I often say I'm a child of God, and yet I also often live as though I've forgotten that this is who I am.  God,  How can I say I'm a child of yours when I so often fail to trust in your providence and your sovereignty in my anxiety? How can I say I am redeemed by Christ when I still so often view myself in light of the devil's lies? How can I say I have accepted your grace when I still go about thinking that all I have, I have worked hard for?  I'm sorry.  Yet, such grace you have shown! In my failings, you have continued to love me and call me your child. You have awaited my return. You have time and time again forgiven me when I have turned away and forgotten that you are God.  Help me love you Lord, and give me a heart that desires to live embodying my identity in Christ each and every day of my life. 

I'm afraid. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, but I am. Is it the uncertainty of life? Perhaps it is how far the light seems to be. Maybe I'm afraid of how lonely I feel. Or is it that I'm afraid of being afraid? Regardless, you are a faithful God - your promises are trustworthy and true. When has there ever been a time when you have not fulfilled your promises? Never. So Annie, there is no need to fear - the Lord your God is with you wherever you go! He loves you, and He desires for you to seek His strength, and He will protect you under His wing. Do not be afraid! Do not be dismayed! The darkness is scary, but He shines light in the darkness. Live in strength, shelter under God's mighty power, and have faith in God's neverending grace in providence.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.  - Psalm 16:11 Lord God, In the midst of the turmoil and darkness in my heart, help me stand in your presence and show me the multitude of things you have blessed me with. Remind me of the many things I can rejoice in, and most importantly, remind me of your amazing grace. 

God, make it stop. Please.  It hurts too much. 

Annie, I know the pain is hard to bear in this very moment, and it seems like the world is crumbling in because of it. I know it feels like this will never end and that God has not heard your cries for help. I know you feel helpless, hopeless and alone. I know it hurts a whole lot, and however much you wish it were gone, it just won’t go away. I know the pain has made you wish that life would end in this very moment so it would all just stop. But Annie, God hears you. He loves you, and knows just how painful it is. He is weeping with you as you lay here, squirming and crying in pain. No-one knows better the pain you are feeling but Christ himself who endured the painful reality of death on the cross, bearing all of your sin and guilt - bearing all of God’s wrath. Never forget this reality. And guess what, it didn’t end in suffering - He rose! Nothing compares to the hope this brings - hope of resurrection with Christ, a new creation! So even though this pain seems like it’ll last fo...

Last week felt very long, and neverending. In much of the week, I was unmotivated, wanting to curl up into a ball, and just avoid the world and the people in it. I still feel that way. It feels like I'm in a dark, dark tunnel, surrounded by voices of self-doubt/loathing, and I can't see the light at the end. I'm scared. But the Lord Jesus Christ will sustain me to the end. There is no need to fear the darkness, for you are not alone. God's spirit will guide your paths to the glory soon to be revealed to you. Be still, wait patiently, and know the God is God. God, who shines light into the darkness. God, who has redeemed you and made you His child. Fear not, Annie! 

Hey Annie, Do this when you begin to complain and spiral into self-pity: Remember God’s grace towards you in Christ - a love so great nothing can compare. Remember that He redeemed you despite your rebellion, he forgave your sins, he gave you the Holy Spirit and he gave you the promise of eternal life. Remember how God has blessed you immensely with a loving family (both actual and in Christ), best friend (whom I’m ever thankful for) and boyfriend. Remind yourself of God’s faithfulness in your life - how He’s worked in and grown you; the points He has challenged and spoken to you. Seek God, and ask Him to reveal to you how He is using your pain and suffering for His glory. Recognise that he will, even though it might take a while to realise how. Remember that this is not forever even though it seems like it will be for now. Open God’s word!

The pain is hard to bear today. But it's alright, because, with as little faith as a mustard seed, God works powerfully. He is sovereign and trustworthy, this isn't going to be forever, and the new creation is going to be SO good. Therefore, trust Him! 

I needed a place to articulate and gather my thoughts before I relay them. So, yesterday, Aidan said he loved me. I told him I loved him too (and I do, this is something I'd been tossing up saying for about a week or so). But I followed this up with a "do you think we're going too fast?" Here are my thoughts: 1. I am concerned we're going too fast because it really hasn't been long since we started dating, and we didn't really know each other that well before we did start. 2. In the last 2 and a bit months of dating, I have been able to get to know Aidan really well because we've been forced to talk to each other. I've also seen him in different contexts, and know he is genuinely and extremely passionate about making sure Christ is at the centre of everything he does. He's also always passionate about others knowing Christ, which is really one of the reasons why I find him very attractive. 3. I'm wary and afraid of us jumping into de...

As my year abroad approaches, there really is an impending dread/fear of relationships weakened as a result of distance. I find myself doubting whether things will work out between Aidan & myself because I don't believe that I am worth the wait. (I know, that ultimately God is in control and things will work out if He wills). I'm afraid of the loneliness [this was where I proceeded to have a panic attack] I will feel as I long for home and the comforts of friends and family. I'm afraid of failure in independence and having to rely on cup noodles or pasta because I'm incapable of cooking anything else. I'm afraid of uncertainty, the unknown. But why are you so afraid, O you of little faith?  The Bible says, 'do not fear, for I (God) am with you'. Your good, loving, gracious, heavenly father has set out plans for your future - plans that are best for you because He knows you better than you know yourself. There is no need to be afraid! 

So according to my psychologist, I'm burnt out. She's probably right. How did I come to this point though? When did I decide that I needed to be doing 10 million things at once (despite knowing I'm not capable)? And why was I so proud to think that I had so much control - to the point that I was blatantly denying that I'm burnt out to the psych, and telling her I had things under control. Surrender your pride and control to God. Trust him to make your paths straight.