I once was lost but now I'm found

1.5 weeks. That's so soon! :/  3 months. That's so long. :/  I don't particularly want you to go. 

Why don't my parents do the HSC if they think it's so easy? So, basically, I got my report last night and when my dad saw it, he just kept repeating the fact that my marks were crap and that I'm doing horribly. "You should be the top of the school" My mum wasn't any better, saying that I didn't do well and I need to work harder. Why do they only look at extension maths? I KNOW I FAILED IT. As if I don't feel crappy already. Don't cry. You can't cry.  You're not allowed to cry.

It's day 2 of year 12 and I'm sitting here pulling my hair out because of maths. I have a ridiculous amount of homework I haven't yet tackled and I'm exhausted because it's been quite a long day, but I don't want to get detention for not completing homework. Let this be over soon. :/

No, the title isn't a deliberate reference to our module C topic. Anyway, my parents and I have very different perspectives on the HSC snd how I should go about studying. Both mum and dad want me to stop spending so much time at church and prioritise study instead. They want me to drop serving roles and stop joining H2O- basically meaning they only want me at church for sunday service and possibly Cornerstone. I thoroughly disagree with this. I wish they would understand that my only form of relaxation and rest is spending time with the bros and sis' that I love, doing the things that are most important- serving and worshipping God. I wish they would be able to see that even though my studies are important to me, God is so much greater. His will for me matters a whole lot more that my studies. But as much as I try to communicate this, they don't understand my point of view. It's not just this. My parents continuously hurt me with their words. "You're alway...

The day when B leaves for work in Grafton is about a month away now, if not less. Not sure what to think. One part of me really doesn't want him to go. Another part thinks it's good. But whether I think the former or the latter, he has to go and I will miss him. Oh well! It's not like he's gone forever- only 3 months. And phones are a very convenient device. Blah. Still. Ugh. Whatever. Gonna stop thinking about this.

So, camp has ended and everyone is talking about how fun and how great it was. Admittedly, it was fun, but only certain things. I felt really lonely during camp- always left out/ignored. It might just be me being selfish or attention seeking, but it doesn't change the fact that I was very lonely. It was burdensome to always put on a face and to say I'm fine. But it feels like if I don't, it'll be even lonelier. I'm tired- physically and mentally. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 Tears just gushed out uncontrollably after reading this verse. Very thankful for God,  who is our refuge always.

My dad expects me to get at least a 97 ATAR when I do HSC. It's apparently a waste of my education if I can't even do that. Not just that, he expects me to end up doing medicine, didn't take no for an answer. For one, I don't want to do medicine anymore. I don't have a set goal, just get into something health related. I can't get 97 because even I know that it's beyond my abilities. I'm not the brightest, y'know? I felt like a failure when he was lecturing me. I didn't want to hear his expectations because I knew that it would make me feel like that.