I once was lost but now I'm found

I don't know of I'm just really stressed or what, but every single night's sleep has been horrid. Pretty much every night, I've woken up almost every hour or every 2 hours. When I don't wake up, I get nightmares that make me wake up anyway. It's not that I'm not tired too- when I go to bed, I'm downright exhausted. *Sigh* Not sure if I should check it out with a gp. Gah idk. We'll see in a few days.

Read a couple of Psalms today- they are absolutely amazing. Such great reminders of God's faithfulness to his people. "I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, oh God and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak." Psalm 77:1-4 Just v4 was such great comfort- even though I'm always really tired, even though a lot of the time I'm reluctant to read the Bible and even though I stress out a lot about the HSC (so much that it's consuming my life), God is the one keeping me alive, keeping my fire going so that I can push through the year. God is the one who keeps me in His love, reminding me that HSC isn't the most important, there are much greater things.

I haven't written in quite a long time, and honestly, it's not because nothing's going on. On several occasions I had wanted to write something, but I guess a part of me felt like if I wrote it up, I had to deal with it, and I didn't want that. (Yes, avoiding problems) And even though I still don't want to deal with it, I figured it'd be good to let it out here so I wouldn't be bottling things up again. The first thing is that the loneliness/worthless thoughts are back. No matter how many times I'm told, "you're not useless, you're not worthless, you're precious in God's sight", it just never stops the thinking. This time however, I know it's for 'good' reason, something I do need to repent of rather than beating myself up with it. I feel that a lot of the time, I'm not as godly as I should be. For example the time when my friend thought I was going to swear- is that how people see me? Or when I just listen alo...

I enjoyed my day with the family, even though there were some arguments here and there. But as soon as I come back from hanging out with church buddies, there's a dispute over money! Why can't you just let it go? Why is there alwayssss an argument? WHY is money such a big deal? So sick of it. It disgusts me to see people getting worked up about stupid things like money. Just let it go. :(

Went to the GP today upon request by the nurses in the Adolescent medicine department while I was booking my gyno. I guess a bit of an update is necessary. It seems there had been this benign fibroid tumour in my uterus that I never knew about because no-one explained the results of my previous ultrasound. Which explains the excessive bleeding and the immense pain during menstruation.  (It sounds worse than it is, but it's actually quite common in women and it shrinks after menopause.) BUT, doesn't explain the other pain. (blagh, upon my own research, it's not common at all for women under the age of 20...) That was basically it. One problem solved, so praise God :)

Trying so hard to let go. Why is it so difficult? Why is it so painful? We're not even in a relationship. I can't even look at you. How do I let go knowing that my heart still beats for you?

阿媽又罵我沒用，一點事情也做不好。又罵我整天都不溫習，只會花錢。 我不是習慣了嗎？不是已經對這些麻痹了嗎？那為什麽我還在想，還覺得傷心？ 每一次都選我不舒服的時候罵我。開心了嗎？