I once was lost but now I'm found

Ahh so tired. Physically and mentally. School has been taking a toll on me- especially with trials and Jap speaking. I'm definitely not feeling ready for anything and I'm going to need a lot of strength to come through it. And I know this strength won't come from me.

Huh, it's been quite a while since I've posted here. Trials are creeping closer and closer, and you can't say I'm not stressed. But at the same time I haven't been the most productive person...in fact, I must say I'm very lazy. Less than 2 weeks til trials and I'm sitting here writing a blog. Here's how I've been going. All the drama's died down since last time, thankfully. I'm learning to let it go and not let it bother me as much. At the moment it seems that my parents are keeping a close watch on my sister, and God willing, it won't happen again. In terms of Barney, I can't say I don't have feelings towards him anymore, but it has been better. I guess I'm able to be comfortable around him again. My pain has returned, but what can I do. My menstrual cycle is currently terrible- I think I've bled for almost a month now. The pain is as usual, a pain- especially to manage because my meds haven't been of use lately....

I joke about this all the time, but I actually find it really hard to make friends- more specifically long lasting friends. The first meeting is good, but as the relationship deepens, and I run out of things to say other than the good ol' "how was your week/day", it just gets awkward. And so, me and friendships that last don't mix well, and I'm very blessed to actually have these friends.

Hey Dad, How is it possible that you can take on the burdens of the world? I can barely handle the few around me. And I need you to get me through this because I'm going to crash and fall without you. I'm crumbling under the pressure of having to get a certain ATAR. I'm torn by burdens of my sister's behaviour. I'm being crushed as I try with all my might to let go of a person. I need you.

It's been a very tough night. But, I have to act like nothing's happening because I can't let my parents see me break down. It will only put more stress onto them. I need put a smile back on my face, and let things fall into place. It'll be tough, but God is in control. I will trust in Him through it all. Smile, and let it be.

I don't know how to deal with another "pregnancy" scare. WHY IN MY HSC YEAR? Seriously. Is there not enough I have to stress about? An I not panicking enough? Because I feel like I'm at the edge of breaking down with everything going on already, so why is there another thing added to my list. I haven't even fully recovered from the last time, and here comes another one. Let's hope that it isn't real, and the results don't come up positive. Dad, I know I'm being really selfish when I say this, but I really don't want to have to call up to plan another abortion. I've really had enough of it. I pray that you protect Alice, keeping her under your wing. Please, let this be just a scare, and not the actual thing. (For lack of a better word) Dad, I'm so mentally tired. I really cannot have anything else barge into my life and have me solve it. You said that you won't give us more than we can take. I trust that you will carry my burdens...

I'm probably thinking too far ahead into the future but I look forward to being able to have adult to adult chats with my brother. Just thinking about how fast he's growing up scares me, but at the same time excites me. To have watched him grow up, from infant till now is just so amazing. Dad, For Henry, I pray that he grows up to be a man who loves and fears you. Who sees you grace and mercy and wants to live according to your will. May I be a good witness to him as he is growing up and teach him what it means to be a child of God.