I once was lost but now I'm found

Haven't blogged in quite a while- which isn't a bad thing. There just aren't many things to update on.  Had another gynaecologist appointment- and I must say that I sometimes wonder why I bother going. I hear the same things over and over again...a little sick of it.  There was however, a proper, more definitive diagnosis to the problem- trapped ovaries. I did some research myself, and it does mean that I'm going to be taking pills, and 10 billion painkillers for the rest of my life. There's no other way to do things. A part of me wishes this could be taken care of by surgery, but it can't be because of all the adhesions.  That's okay I guess. A body like this was given to me- and it's by grace that I can be alive today. It's also by grace that I'm saved- and this is further affirmed by the fact that I wouldn't have chosen God if he hadn't chosen me.  In other news, I've been going through the book of Judges and I can see the attitude...

We grieve and mourn over our perishing bodies, but what have we to lose. Though outwardly we waste away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Our outwardly worries achieve for us the eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Cor 4:16-17) We await a new body that is imperishable, raised in glory and power, a spiritual body. (1 Cor 15:42-44) Rather than wasting our efforts worrying for our appearances, look forward to the eternal glory with awaits us. And it's not like the youngins will find us ugly :P Look at us, "old grannies are cute", we always say.

Tonight, my sister cried out for me to help her and I felt utterly helpless. I don't know the full story of what happened, but I had seen enough to realise how unfair and unreasonable my parents can be. They threatened to kick her out if she had done anything she shouldn't have instead of sitting down to talk it through with her. My sister, in fear, cried and cried, and yet, I sat there, feeling useless and disappointed. The one time I should've stepped in, I didn't because I myself also fear being scolded and having old scars that sealed my inadequacy re-open. Now, I sit here, wallowing in regret. I really can't do anything right can I?

I'm drowning myself in music right now because I'm afraid of what's going on outside. I'm afraid that it's going to be shouting over the same darn thing that has been recurring over this year, and I'm not ready for the heartbreak all over again. I'm afraid of understanding the situation knowing that it will only cause unwanted disappointment and tears. A part of me just doesn't want to get involved, but at the same time I know that it will be inevitable as soon as I step out of this room. Where is the love I so desire from this family? Why are the voices outside only filled with anger, disappointment and sadness? My comfort can only be found in Christ Jesus. Your love will stand firm through all my life. 

The topic of gay marriage came up during break today (because of the wear it purple day our school is doing), and I am rather disappointed in the way I presented my views. I hadn't seized the opportunity to get the Gospel message across, but instead only stated that I didn't agree with it. When they asked me why, I feared being shunned for my views and didn't say much else other than, "even though I don't agree with it, it doesn't mean I don't love them for who they are." And although this is true, I'm still disappointed that I was to scared to bring in the Gospel. Honestly though, I think I still need to look into this topic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjkzfeJz66o I've been watching a lot of TED talks, and none have struck me like this one. It's amazing how God has included in His creation things that help us fight disease that seem untreatable. I was in complete awe watching this video because God's creation IS good. The specificity of his creation is just so amazing, knowing that no detail had been left out. AMAZING.  God is so good.

I've come to realise that I will/won't ever know what it's like to not have scars on my body. And yes, I'm talking about the physical ones strewn across my abdomen.  The general association placed on scars is that they're ugly, and people are ashamed of them. But you know what? I'm proud of my scars. Each and every scar on my abdomen show that God has kept me alive. It's evidence that I've come out of every surgery alive and well. Something could've gone very wrong- the doctors could've made a mistake, the anaesthesia could've worn off before the surgery ended, I could've just stopped breathing. But no. God protected me while I was in the theatre, and now I'm alive, despite the scars across my body.  Sure I'm never going to wear a bikini (don't intend to, scars or not), and people may look at  me differently when they know, but I guess it's not a big deal.  Nothing beats knowing that I could've died before knowi...