I once was lost but now I'm found

Don't ask why I'm up at 3 typing this. So, yesterday, the talk at H2O was on sabbath rest. I think the speaker is right. We try too hard to prove ourself to other people. I always try to prove myself to my parents, friends, relatives, brothers and sisters. It's no wonder why life gets so tiring. Leave it to God. These 4 words, I say them so regularly, and yet, have I really learnt to do it? Don't let your work define you, Christ defines you. There's no need to prove yourself. REST in Christ's salvation. Have peace knowing you are not a slave to sin, but a servant of Christ. A child of God. God, even though my emotions are all over the place, even though I am messed up, teach me to leave it to you. You ARE my almighty Father, and I know you know what is best. So, keep my faith in you and keep you as the centre of my life rather than those earthly things I've filled my heart with. Allow me to rest in you.

Looking through Annie H's profile pics and realising that even though I still see her regularly, our relationship isn't as great. I really miss when she used to hang with us at school. I miss when we used to sit next to each other in jap, or across from each other in tech. I remember the week she left, I was a complete crying mess. It's crazy how close we had been in that one year. Man, i miss her even though I see her regularly. Her dog died, and yet, I had no idea what to say, or how to comfort her. All I could do was give her a hug. Oh, I love her so much. <3

i admit, i am quite boy-centred.i'd be lying if i said i wasn't. but, i don't want to be. i don't want to be "just another girl" who looks up to boys. i want to be God-centred. Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. This one verse strikes me every time i read it. Am I seeking approval of man or God. I think, as of now, probably in between, and leaning more towards man. God, help me. Help me to keep you as the centre of my life. Help me live in light of Christ rather than dwell on earthly things that don't matter. Help me seek the approval of you, rather than of man.

You? Lonely? I hear you say this and I thought, you probably don't even understand what it feels like to be lonely. This insecurity. This feeling of being left behind and neglected. You won't even understand. You say these things as a joke. I'm feeling the loneliness, insecurity, neglect. Maybe I am self-centered. Maybe she was right. Maybe I'm not caring enough to notice. But I still think you're kidding when you say that you're lonely. It doesn't seem possible when attention is always on you. When everyone loves you. I love you too. I know you love me. I know you care for me. But sometimes, I just don't feel it. Sometimes, your actions make me question your love. Is it a joke? Will you really leave me behind? Do you find me annoying? I have no idea. But for now, I'll believe you do love me.

Forgive me if I possibly hurt your feelings today. My immature self just said immature things. If you possibly can't understand my feelings, it's fine. No need for excuses, It's all my fault. -Sorry; f(x) I shouldn't have been so rash with my words. I shouldn't have just spoke without thinking. I shouldn't have gotten angry. I'm sorry if you got hurt because of my words. I wasn't thinking. I shouldn't be blaming my brain. It was my own stupid-ness. Sorry. I don't even know if you realise I've hurt you. But I feel like I did and I'm guilty of my actions. So, if I at any point has hurt you with my words or actions, I'm sorry. Sorry God. I've sinned in thought, word and deed. I've messed up again. Thank you that you are merciful. Thank you that you are a forgiving Father. Sorry.

It was a joke. I get it. But before you play jokes like those, think about how I might feel. Being left behind without being told, even though you probably thought I expected it to happen. You probably don't even know how worried I was. How lonely I felt sitting there waiting for you two to appear. Walking away in hopes you two would be there. Every single time you play these jokes, you probably have no idea how much it hurts me. Everybody leaves me. I didn't think you would too. You apologised. Were you sincere? I can't even tell anymore. I acted like it didn't matter if you left or not. You have NO IDEA how hurt I felt. How empty I feel as I type this. It feels like none of you seem to care. None of you know what it feels like to be left there. Oh right. You've never been left behind while everyone else goes and has fun. Don't play jokes like that anymore. It's not fun. Not to me at least.

Exams are starting tomorrow, and I'm absolutely unprepared. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Stressed. The first two exams are commerce and english. Omgosh. My worst subjects. Jjkfd.

i feel happy right now :3 so, surprisingly, Ecclesiastes 4 was really helpful today. v7-12, talked about loneliness, and i kinda just...broke down. all the loneliness i had felt in the past few weeks, it came back to me. i don't like the idea of being lonely, and feeling neglected, and that was exactly what i'd felt. far away, lonely, neglected. i'm glad i've told someone physically about it, cuz i know it will haunt me. honestly, thank you God for keeping my worries with you, and through brothers and sisters in Christ and the Bible, given me comfort. you're amazing.

ahh. what if he's annoyed with my constant questions...he did state that he had been answering my science honework all day > eek. i'm paranoid. anyway, EXAMSSSSS. i'm not very happy with my exam timetable. everyone gets at least 1 day off. i get none ): NOT COOL. i want thursday off~~~ darn IST. oh well. whatever. /back to essay on feminism.

"you don't have to be so serious about going to music practice" -Dad SORRY WHAT? you're basically saying that i don't have to be serious about worshipping God. i really don't like your way of thinking dad. i'm serious about going to music practice because i WANT to worship God and spend time with brothers and sisters. i like having fellowship with the brothers and sisters who care for me when i don't feel loved. i also like to do things for God, and i don't take music team as a burden. it's a joy for me to worship God can spend time with brothers and sisters. music practice for me is as important as you taking care of the family.

Time flies. It's already June...1/2 way through the year. That's just crazy. So far, it's been a stressful half year, filled with tears, and feelings of neglect, but hey, God brought me through it all. Let's re-cap all the things that happened. 1. Ran away from home. 2. Multiple panic attacks from stress. 3. Got confessed to. 4. Lots of fighting between parents. 5. Told Silas and Alli about my crush. 6. Went to Korea. 7. Passed grade 6 piano. 8. Got called useless heaps of times. As shown with all these things happening, whether good or bad, I can safely say that God has brought me through the first half of 2012, and taught me heaps in the process. I feel "closer" to God, even though I am still distant. My sould must sing to You and offering How great you are -How great you are; Sovereign Grace Music

H2O topic today was why is Bible reading important. Each if us raised a point each, but our main focus was; It's our spiritual food, it helps us grow. 'Daily bread' I've always thought about that phrase literally, like provide for us, and never realisingthe true meaning behind it. The Bible is our daily bread and we should meditate on it, and abide by/remain in it. It should be always in our sub-concious minds, and we should always refer back to it. It should reflect on our way of life, and our actions, and theoretically changes our life. What is devotion to me? Devotion starts my day, and sustains me and motivates me to live out my day for God. Sometimes I may slip and fall in my actions, but when I remember God's word, I also reflect upon the things I have done wrong. God has really changed me through the years. If I wasn't brought back to God, I would be pretty corrupted(not that I'm not since I am sinful). I would be idolising kpop artists and cu...