I once was lost but now I'm found

I'M SO ANNOYED AT MY DAD. DKSKSKFFR. NO. YOU DO NOT PISS ME OFF WHEN I'M MENSTRUATING AND WATCHING A MOVIE. NO. DO NOT QUESTIONS MY ABILITIES TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING. DO NOT JUST TURN OFF THE MOVIE IN IT'S CLIMAX. IF YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO DO IT TO YOU, DON'T DO IT TO OTHERS. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S 10:30. I WILL NOT BE SLEEPING SOON ANYWAY. SO DON'T GO AND TURN OFF MY MOVIE. URGH. WHEN HAVE I NOT BEEN ABLE TO WAKE UP AT 6:30 WHEN I SLEPT AT 2. HUH? COULDN'T YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THAT HOUR? FRKN. FJSKNFKET. NO DAD. JUST NO.

I remember, when I was younger, I tripped over a sticky tape dispenser, but didn't tell anyone in fear that my parents would scold me for being clumsy. I did that a lot actually, getting hurt but not telling people, and I still do it to this day. Whether I'm physically hurt or emotionally hurt, I have the tendency to keep it to myself, even knowing it's better to tell someone. The fear of judgement, fear of getting even more hurt, it all seems to consume me. That fear of being alone after someone finds out the reason of my hurt. I don't want it. I'd much rather keep to myself. But I know, I need to tell someone. I need to speak out. And yet, I'm still not doing so.

  But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being wi...

Looking back to 2012 properly, I've experienced so much that I'm really grateful for, and a lot that I'd never thought I'd ever experience. Starting from the beginning, simply moving houses and watching my old house be rebuilt, to now living in a completely re-furbished house. God is soooo gracious and has really blessed my family with more than we deserve. Not only putting food on our table, giving us clothes to wear and shelter to live it, but rather, enough food that we'll be more than full, new clothing that we don't even need and a completely new home where we can live and sleep comfortably. Being able to travel overseas with school was quite a fun experience for me, and I can definitely say I've made many, many unforgettable memories amd also learnt a whole lot. Taking in a Korean exchange student. Never in my life would I have thought my mum would let me take one in. But she did, and through that I've made so many new friends! Even with the lan...

Help me Daddy. You tell me to glorify you. You tell me to be blameless and pure. You tell me to be like your son. Why is it so hard? Don't give up you say. I want to. I just want to give up fighting. I want to give up running. I just want to stop. Be content. Rejoice. It's so hard. Why do I see no hope? You told me to find hope in you, find hope in your son. I can't find it. I can't find the light. It's like I'm stuck in never-ending darkness. I don't want to keep going. I'm scared. Afraid of what the future brings. God, help me. This life is so difficult. Please don't leave me alone. I can't do it without you here with me. Help me to be who you want me to be. Help me to glorify you. Give me strength to continue running, continue fighting. Help.