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Reflection

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By Annie
 But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.
Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.

Thinking back to Friday's study, every time I think "I just want to go home", I'm not doing my job as a Christian. I'm being selfish, ignorant towards the work I have to do. I said it myself, "isn't it self-centred?"
And yet the thought doesn't seem to leave my mind. It just comes back to me, blinding me. This one thought is that plank in my eye stopping me to find hope in God. Yes, this sounds paradoxical. The fact that I want to go home being the barrier between myself and God? Does that even make sense? It does. I'm being ignorant towards God's commands to do good works, and selfish in the fact that I ONLY want to go home. I'm only running away from things.
Yes, I desire to depart from this world to be with Christ, but my reasons are selfish. I don't want that. I don't want to be a selfish and ignorant brat. I want to be God's child. I want to be like Paul. I want to rejoice. I want to be able to confidently say: For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain, rather than: For to me, to live is me and to die is gain, because I want to live for Christ.

Hey Daddy,
Do help me to follow your will and do good works. Help me to be joyful and thankful for all things you've given me. Help me to live a life where I'm able to say: For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

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