I once was lost but now I'm found

There is not one thing I hate more than pain in this world. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. What I hate more about this pain is that there is no definite reason for it, hence nothing can be done about it.

So. Excruciating pain right now and no-one will know. I had to say it somewhere.

I'm seriously unhappy about the trip to the gynaecologist yesterday. For one, it was useless. The doctor ONLY told me that I was to test out no pills for a month, then go back on them. (I was looking forward to stopping pills forever.) And also to get an ultrasound in 4-5 months. I wasn't anticipating them to have found a cause. I wasn't. But I didn't go all the way to Westmead to be told things I already knew. If pills weren't working, couldn't you have given suggestions to try something else? Not only that, but they down-graded the pain. "It doesn't seem as bad as I thought." You're kidding me right? I can barely move around when I'm in pain and you're saying it doesn't seem too bad? "If it was really bad, you'd have walked in with severe pain." Well excuse you, did I not say that it didn't have a specific time frame? I know, I'm complaining when I really shouldn't. And yes, I'm typing this in pai...

Where else can I go? Jesus is my only refuge. Where else can I run but to Jesus? What else can I do? Nothing, but hide within his grace.

So, I've spent the past week or two or even three with B on my mind a lot. No kidding. He'd randomly appear in my mind and I either end up smiling because it brought me joy or I'd end up missing him a lot. This isn't healthy. NO, stop it. I've come to a point where I just want to forget these feelings because: 1. I want to focus on my relationship with God and don't want these feelings become a stumbling block if it isn't already. 2.  It's going nowhere, and most likely won't go anywhere because I don't plan on pursuing. (Not to mention, he doesn't like me/only sees me as a younger sister to take care of.) But, at the same time I don't want to because even though I know it won't go anywhere (no, I'm not going to hope that it will), I do have feelings for him that have grown a lot since I first liked him. (c'mon, it's been 2 years) It'll be difficult to let go of these feelings when I see him so often. What shou...

It's so funny how much of me I see in Vienna. Chatting with her about the exact same things I struggled and still continue to struggle with is a funny sight to see. And me being hypocritical. I should really act what I preach. :/

I've been a grumpy bum to my parents for the last few days. And I know it's not right, yet I continue to give them the "just stop talking, I don't want to listen" attitude. I'm not going to explain my sin because either way, it's wrong. Hey Daddy, sorry for everything I've said to my parents. Sorry for sinning, even though I was concious of it. I know that my parents are reasonable and that I'm not trying hard enough. In my sin, your name hasn't been glorified. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please guide me by your Holy Spirit to live by your will, so that your name will be glorified.

This is where I tell no-one that I need/want physical comfort. This is where I don't want to ask for comfort. When I thought my week couldn't get worse, it did. The guy called again. You have no idea how startled and afraid I am when he appears. Even knowing he is harmless and I have a bunch of people to protect me. Dad, he needs grace. He needs to seek your love. I, likewise need you. I need your comfort and your love.

Merely holding up in my state. I'm crumbling under anxiety, physical pain, and depression. Just want it all to stop. Right now. But despite all, I'm held up by the hope God has given me. The hope in knowing that God suffered the same as a human. He suffered much more even, and yet He was obedient to God. He glorified God in all his suffering. Hey Daddy, It's difficult. I just want to give up. But Jesus perservered, and so shall I. Please be my strength, my comfort, my foundation, my rock. Please hold me up even when I am crumbling.