I once was lost but now I'm found

I've stopped resenting my lack of children for a long time now, but it still causes me a lot of insecurity. So, one of the things I want in life is to get married eventually, but my lack of children makes me believe that it'll never happen. No man wants to put up with a woman who can't have kids. You see, one of the reasons why I hate the pain so much is because it's become a constant reminder that I can't have children. It's not just because I feel hopeless when it comes to knowing what the problem is, but because it reminds me of my inabilities. It reminds me of how disappointed my parents are of me. It reminds me of how disappointed I am in myself. Even though it was beyond my control that this had happened, I can't help but feel inadequate.

I'm getting really angry at my peers because I've got a lot of work to do, and they keep asking for help when I don't even do their subject. And I know I'm probably being angry for no reason- but I'm really really stressed and I don't know what to do. I'm about to break down and have another panic attack. Dad, sorry for being angry. Sorry for complaining. Sorry that I'm not being the most loving person right now. :(

John 7:24 "Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.” This morning's devotion was a wonderful reminder that God is a righteous and just God, who will judge us by looking at our heart and not our appearance. Everywhere we go, people judge us by the most superficial things- our appearances. How rich we appear, how beautiful we are, how well we keep up with fashion. We put up a facade and try to conform to society's norms. But we can be assured and take comfort in God who will judge us righteously and justly, looking into our heart. He sees our broken and defiled self, he sees who we truly are. And I couldn't be more thankful for this. When I feel like I'm judged, I know I can look to Jesus, who was judged by all- who took all our sinful burdens and was nailed to the cross. God judges our heart, not our appearances.

I watched this mini movie thing about a family of 5 kids whose dad went missing after their mum died, and they were dealing with a whole bunch of problems. In the video, each of the 5 kids turned to different things to deal with their problems- relationships, drugs, parties, games, art. It really reminded me of how thankful I am to have received God's grace during my difficulties. If not for Christ, I probably wouldn't be here right now. If not for Christ, my life would've been utterly meaningless. BUT, Christ died for me. Insignificant, little me. Me, a sinner. I can't even begin to imagine the suffering he went through-and how insignificant my suffering is compared to his. Such amazing grace. Such love. Thank you. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.- Romans 5:8

A few things that upset me happened today... 1. Being scolded by my mum for losing a calculator and having her shout at me saying she won't buy me another one was just purely unreasonable. 2. Being told that one of my good friends will probably be leaving school and going to another one because we have a crappy, racist principal who likes to contradict herself. Not to mention I haven't been sleeping much over the past few days so I haven't been a very happy chappy.

I'm in quite a lot of pain right now and I don't know what to do. :/

Blogging about you too much means that I'm thinking about you too much. But I can't help it. I can almost count the days till you're leaving with one hand. 5 darned days, then poof, you're gone for 3 months. I'm dreading it. I'll miss you. Shut up Annie. Concentrate on your work. You don't have the time to mull over someone who probably doesn't care for you as much as you do for them. He won't even miss you. He said so himself. blah.

Yep. Someone please tell me why I'm an emotional wreck. So many feelings I'm trying to grasp- happiness, sadness, stress, pain; all mixed to form droplets of tears. Why am I crying? Stop crying. Daddy... I haven't been running to you. What right do I have to tell others to do it? I haven't been trusting in you. How can I urge others to do it? I haven't been praying to you. I haven't been listening to you. I've been rejecting you. Hearing your words, yet brushing them off. "Come to me ," you say. Yet I don't listen, thinking that I can do it on my own. Thinking that I don't need you. But you've never left my side.  Why am I so selfish? Why am I so proud? How could you still love me?