I once was lost but now I'm found

well since it's the 26th, i can finally say i'm going to china today :L and i know i should be asleep cuz i have to get up at 6 for my flight. but who cares. i can't sleep. i bet the boys are already asleep. same with crystal. you know what really ticks me off about this trip...? the fact that i'm going with super annoying people in which i get along with when they're not insulting my sister. seriously. they keep insultimg my sis about her developmental disorder. it's gone on for years and they still don't get tired of it. and everytime they insult my sis, i get pissed. and it's not a nice sight to see me pissed. yiu know what else ticks me off? the fact that i won't get any privacy during this trip unless i hide in the bathroom. and also, i can't go to silas or allison when i feel down. and i can't reach any of my awesome friends. aishh. sometimes i hate going to china. no fb, no yt. i will die. i hope i still have blogger and aff. i sh...

so it's like almost 3 in the morning. but who cares, IT'S CHRISTMAS! which also means, it's Jesus' birthday. and we shouzld all be rejoicing and going into party mode ti celebrate this wonderful day :D christmas to non-christians may just be presents, feasts and lights. and of course wasting money, but for me, it's time to celebrate the day in which a wonderful saviour was born to save us all. JESUS (: carols by candlelight was so fun yesterday at church. i'm getting so much closer to the people at church now. before, i barely ever talked. now i can open up more, talk freely and laugh. ever since i met new people in church, and joined varioius activities, i realised how awesome the people aeound me are in church. and how much concern they show towards me. especially silas, barnabas, yaowei, ritchie,johnny, allison, alysha, sharon and crystal. i love them like they're my actual siblings. and of course my friends in school, especially, bev, tiffy, jess, kim...

i didn't notice what youp wrote on my cbox until just then...so ima posta second reply. apologise in advance...no need, cuz i'd probably understand and just get over it with the help of God of course :D and yehh, talks can really touch the heart and it really helps when you need it, and it associates with your own problems. hardship...i feel like i don't go through hardships enough, it seems like people around me suffer way more while my problems are tiny. but then again, the tiniest problem can make me break down... oh btw, do you know koorong bookstore in west ryde? if not, it's a christian bookstore, that sells heaps of books on christianity and stuff. and it's cheap too :D lets go there someday. maybe after i come back from china (: ps. sorrynfor the typos...i officially hate typing on ipad. it's so annoying. love you~~~

yay! finally no more emotional things :D you can put on a real smile now, yeh? hehe. so happy for you ;) even i couldn't do that. hut i'm happy i don't need to see him for a month.cuz we're both overseas -random- i was gonna go to koorong with a friend today. but mum didn't let me ): -even more random- was popping bubble wrap with silas and allison while talking about b2st during music practice. -super random- doowoon, junseob and kiseung collabs :D beautiful. and lights go on again full version to come out soon. extra things. china in 4 days. i hope they didn't block blogger. cuz if they did i will kill them.

On Sunday, in Cornerstone, our theme was "Relying on God". Alysha, my group leader asked us: Have you ever thought literally being God's child. to be honest, i haven't. it's hard. then we talked about "crying out to God". do i do it often? is it something i do when i feel down? cry out to God, have i cried out things other than, asking why things happen? God gives us hardships so we can grow closer to him, so we can rely on him. think about it, if we didn't go through hardships, do you think we'd become closer God? the answer, probably not. "Have you ever acted like you were fine, when you weren't?" yehh, heaps of times. but do you act in front of God? i don't know. do i? there's no use though. God knows everything. There's a hole in everyone's heart that is shaped especially for God. Yet, we fill it with other things. but however much we fill with other things, the hole can only fit God. Friends. is there reall...

my parents don't give a damn whether i get high marks or not. and when i can't do something i get scolded. i get 98 in jap and all i get is an oh. i can't help them fill out a form that i don't even understand at all, they say WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT? YOU'RE SO STUPID. they don't understand me at all. i try my hardest to please them and all i get are these darn comments. i hate it. hy can't they notice at least ONE thing i do. the real reason why i hardcore study for exams is so that my parents will be proud. all they say is, not good enough. you need to do better. why can't you even get above 90. why can't you get an A. what they don't know is that i've tried.

i've been really tired lately...no idea why...i haven't been staying up too late, i haven't been doing much work and i've been slacking off a lot. but, why am i so tired? oh well. (: jeshikaaaaaa~ stop thinking that you're an inanimate object, cuz you're not (: you're a human, and yes we are all grateful that you are willing to listen while we talk about problems (: and btw, we are not lying when we say you're NOT fat. i seriously think you're skinny (: i'm a hell heck of a lot heavier than you (though i'm taller) and my stomach is a hell heck of a lot bigger than yours. okay enough with the fat talk. i love youu the way you are. <3 the sweet, bubbly jess who is willing to listen to anyone <3 i've been reading this chinese book, and at the back it says in chinese and i quote in english: "when i'm happy, i silently forget you, when i'm unhappy, i remember you deeply" that's beautiful <3 "when the ...

today, i realise how much my mum cares for me, and i feel really bad. i give her so many burdens and yet she cares for me no matter what. mum, you don't have to cry for me. you don't have to be upset for me. it's okay. i'm still alive and i won't die just yet. i still have so many things to do with you...i don't want to give you anymore burdens, but my health isn't listening to me. i've had enough of all this, yet i don't want everything to end. GOD, what am i supposed to do? teach me. i don't want my mum to continuously cry for me. it makes me cry too. i hate it. mum, you don't have to worry about me. i'll be fine (:

LORD, are yiu crying for me? qre you crying over the fact that i can't have children? is that the reason why it's been raining? i'm really scared. i'm scared that the operation won't go well. i'm scared i'll die.