I once was lost but now I'm found

Felt exceptionally alone today. It's been like this all week. It might just be my selfishness. But I don't know. What if I just disappeared? What if I died? They wouldn't care. You know, death is so much better than living. I'll be with God, doing what I love most all the time- praising God for his glory. I'll be with Jesus. How much better is that?

I wouldn't be surprised if I was diagnosed with anxiety. I've ticked off a lot of the symptoms already... But then again, 1 Peter 5:7

I hate going home. I hate the complaints, I hate the noise, I hate the useless remarks, I hate the lack of belonging felt. I hate being called names, I hate being called stupid, I hate being called crazy, I hate being called useless, I hate bing called sick. I hate that even though I'm not the oldest, I am treated like so. I hate the responsibility, I simply hate going home.

I think it's come to a point where I don't just like B, but rather I'm somewhat idolising him? I don't worship him or anything, no, he's definitely not God. Heck, he's not a perfect human being and he never will be. But, somehow, he occupies more of my thoughts that God does. That says something. And that also needs to change. :< Daddy, I want to whole-heartedly worship you and you only. But it's so difficult. So please guide me through your Holy Spirit so that I may be a faithful to you. If it is in your will for me to forget these feelings, then let it be so. Do not let B be a stumbling block in my walk with you. Amen.

I'm a people pleaser. I think it's unnessecary to defy authority, I have high expectations of myself because it makes my parents happy when I do well. I will agree to anything you say. I will say yes to anything. I won't defy orders. I aspired to become a doctor because it made my parents happy. I will do anything to make you happy, even if it causes my misery. I will put on a mask so you don't see my weakness. And because of that, you don't know me. What you see from me is called a nice person, to me it's a weakness. How I wish to not be a people pleaser, but someone who pleases God. Do I want approval of man or approval of God?

So sick of this pain. It stops me from doing anything, can't even get out of bed without rolling onto the floor. Can't walk without shuffling and clutching my stomach. Can't even stand up properly. Not to mention I'm always nauseous and dizzy. This is so annoying. Yet I can't do anything about it. No-one knows what it is. No-one understands what it feels like. It just hurts.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not suited to do medicine, even though it has been a dream of mine for so long. I guess I just fixated on the thought of doing it that I let other options fly past me. Although I still want to have a health related job, I won't make it a goal because my goal is to glorify God in all things. I will be a Christian. Everything else will come after that. I'm actually taking ministering towards infertile women or hospital chaplaincy very seriously now. It's a potential career and I think I would actually really enjoy it. One hurdle to get across is mum though. :/ Will however continually pray. We'll see what God thinks.

I don't know what's up...I think my emotions are becoming unstable again. /Sometimes I think I need to see a psychologist, but then I remember God created psychologists. haha. But honestly, been feeling strange lately, can't grasp it fully. It's a sudden rush of sadness, loneliness, despair...disappointment. And then I'm thinking about all these things that I can't let go. The major thing being infertility. I don't get why I just can't let it go. I simply don't understand. Daddy, may I take the example of all the great women in the Bible who trusted you in their lack of children, Hannah, Elizabeth. May I too, trust in your plans for me. May your will be done.

This is bad. I'm becoming more and more reliant on you, so much that it's becoming unhealthy, especially when we technically have no relation except siblings in Christ...and because I like you... Yup, this is really bad. Stop it Annie! Humans are fallible. Rely on God instead because He is omniscient, omnipresent, eternal, infallible, trustworthy- and this list goes on forever. So yeah. That's another struggle of mine!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjSio8jur2Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player Goodness me. I haven't cried so much in ages, but being reminded of God's sacrificial love for us is so convicting.

Extremely aware if how much has changed between us as compared to before. What can I say? People change, I did, you did. I guess we both grew up and moved away from the childish things that we had in common. As much as I wish we could go back to our friendship before, I'm glad we grew up. I'm glad we've become more mature. Because maybe if we didn't, I wouldn't have learnt to deal with change. You're still my best friend, I still love you a lot. We may have changed, but my perception of our friendship isn't any different. I miss you, but you now is so much better. I love you.♥

Oh gosh, seeing things from a different perspective really changes things. Over the past week, I've been constantly reminded that I need to really start to focusing on God and seeing how gracious He is rather than focusing on the bad side of things. It's a good lesson to learn and though I'm not there yet, I'm slowly working towards it. As stressful as exams may be, or as horrible my timetable is, I'm glad that it is the way it is. It's teaching me to really organise time better and get back into the routine of school everyday. On another note, having Helena keep me accountable is such a great blessing. In fact, Helena is such a great blessing. It's always a joy to be able to share joys, worries, and struggles with brothers and sisters. (So why don't you do it, you bum =_=) But no really, it's awesome. Keeping each other accountable, encouraging each other with God's words, it'd be great to do that with every sister in Christ. But darn, my ...