I once was lost but now I'm found

Annie, oh Annie, seek not things on this earth, but rather treasures in the glorious heaven above. For when you pass, as all will, you take nothing with you. It is all futile, passing like a mist. But the Lord stands forever, in his eternity you can place your trust. 

I think if there's any conclusion I've come to over the past day and a half of mulling over the situation, it's that what started out as a mere crush turned into quite deep feelings as we became closer and began to talk more. And that's why I'm feeling pretty crappy and actually very upset. In all of this, I am thankful that it didn't drag out for longer, because otherwise I would've fallen deeper than I had intended to. (Not that I intended to like him in the first place.) I think a part of me was a tiny bit hopeful that we might have ended up together, even if I kept trying to believe that I wasn't expecting anything.  But God has been gracious in answering prayer, and I know I can trust that He has better plans for my life, whether it involves a boy or not. 

Rejoice! When you cry to Him he hears your voice, he will wipe away your tears. Rejoice!  It's been a mentally and emotionally exhausting day, but I can rejoice knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me immensely and had a good plan for me. 

I've been sketching on an app lately and got a bit bored:

Reading about the events surround Jesus' death in Matthew (yes I finally made it). I've been reminded that Jesus' death (and resurrection) is the fulfilment of a great plan that God put into place from the beginning . There really is no greater love than this. 

Celebrating my freedom in Christ. Freedom from the chains of my insecurities, doubts, temptations, grief, anxieties, sin.

我仍然好掛著婆婆。因為我知道我就算今天死了，我都不會有機會再見到婆婆了。人過去以後，剩下的才會體會到人生到底有多短，時間是怎麼珍貴。因為，人沒了，它就沒辦法認識到神。我好後悔沒抓緊好時間。 對不起，婆婆。

My old enemy pain is back. This sucks. 

God seeks the lost, just as a shepherd goes looking for the sheep that has gone astray. I couldn't be more thankful. Thanks for your great mercy and kindness. 

When Satan tempts me to despair and tells me of the guilt within,  upward I look and see Him there,  who made an end of all my sin. 

I brought a knife to my skin today. I thought about putting enough pressure to draw blood. It wasn't going to do a lot of harm. I regret it.  We are called to rejoice in hard things. But I'm not coping. I'm lost, stressed and confused.  Help me Lord. 

婆婆 (grandma) passed away today. I'm finding it very difficult to work out how I'm exactly feeling about this and how I'm going to deal with it. There is grief, sorrow, longing, regret, despair. I couldn't imagine what it was like to lose a loved one until today. I didn't think it would ever happen, despite knowing that we will all return to dust  at some point. 婆婆 was a wonderful woman. She loved us a lot, even though we didn't get to see her very often. Each time we'd go to China to visit her, she would be in tears upon hearing our voices behind the door. She would greet us with a huge smile. I love her. 婆婆，我好掛著妳啊。 

The correct response to Jesus:  They glorified the God of Israel. 

Dad talked about death like it wasn't a big deal today. My grandma on my mum's side is going to pass soon, and my dad said some very insensitive words to my aunt. I am angry and frustrated that dad can so bluntly point out that my grandma is going to pass. I know we are all bound to return to dust, but it still saddens me that someone so close to me will leave so soon.

It's always the onset of pain that remind me how much I dislike and in some ways fear it. 自分に大丈夫と言ったけど大丈夫だと思わない...

"He had compassion on them".  Thanks Jesus. 

Today was a huge turning point in my walk with God. Lately, I've been very unmotivated to go to church and just down and not very happy with where I am with God. Everything felt like a chore, and I was just not genuine in my service and in anything related to God. I couldn't have genuine fellowship with brothers and sisters. I could attribute it to stress, but I know it was a deeper issue than that. I went to women's conference not really feeling up for it, and my heart just wasn't in it. I was singing songs to God, but they were just a bunch of words. There was no element of worship or praise, just songs. It just felt so wrong. But , one thing that really convicted me was the final talk, which was on needing a change in what shapes me. The speaker spoke of how you could relent to the world's desires and let it shape you, and go with the flow. Let the world press you into a mold. Or you could be shaped by the word of God which is within you. You can be a woman o...

Dad,  Sorry for not serving you wholeheartedly. Sorry for being selfish and proud in thinking that I could earn your favour. Remove the pride in my heart, and replace it with humility. 

There is real frustration towards myself for liking someone despite knowing very well that it will lead to the same ending as the previous 'crush' (can I call it that?). (urgh, why do you do this Annie) Sometimes you astound me Annie, you really do. (There is too much irony in this situation) Please, just stop before you do the same thing as last time. No need to add stress onto stress! STOPPPPPPPPP. You don't have the time and capacity to deal with this.

Oftentimes I feel like the seed down in the thorns. I feel choked by the world's desires and worries, and lured into thinking it's more important than the gospel. But I know it isn't, because this world contains no eternity. Nothing is like the eternity found in Jesus, there is only deceit in things that say they satisfy, Jesus is the living water, who quenches your thirst in such a way that you will never be thirsty again.  Sorry that I so often disobey you, and turn to things that don't satisfy. Help me to seek things above. Help me to bear fruit. 

A lot of my stress actually comes from family I think. I can be super overwhelmed by uni work and other things, but nothing beats the feeling of unease I feel when it comes to my family. I can't be at home with my sister and feel comfortable because I'm afraid of what flaw she will pick out of me next and bring everyone's attention to it. I can't face my dad without being afraid that I will screw up and he will shout at me. I can't talk to my brother without feeling dissatisfied with my weight and appearance. I can't face my mum and not wonder if she will judge my appearance, or the clothes I'm wearing.  I'm so tired. 

Are you weak and heavy laden? Take it to the Lord in prayer. 

Have compassion on me Lord, for I am like a sheep with no shepherd. Without you, I wander far and wide aimlessly, only to be let down by masters that do not satisfy. Please allow me to take refuge under your wing. 

Saved by faith and faith only. Not by the works of your own hands, but belief in the Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you Lord.

"Why are you so afraid, O you of little faith?"

Why do you strive for things that aren't important? You thirst for high marks, success, money, yet where is your thirst for the Lord? You know there is no satisfaction in such menial things. You know it is meaningless. Still, you seek the temporary, and not the eternal. Stop building you house in the sand, but build it on the rock of ages that stands forever. 

Exams are over, and I still don't feel relaxed. Perhaps it hasn't fully dawned on me that I've finished the semester. It feels like I've been running for so long, I haven't worked out that I can stop again and take a break. Father, I'm exhausted. 

This video hit very close to home for me because basically all of those phrases in the first part of the video are phrases that constantly run through my head. The second half of the video contains phrases that I find very difficult to believe and take on for myself. But because of Christ, I can be assured that I am loved, even if I don't always feel that way. Dad, please help me to throw away the insecurities I possess, and trust in you with all my heart, all my mind and all my soul. 

I'm finding it very difficult to cope with everything. It's all very overwhelming, and emotionally and physically draining. But here's the problem, in my mind there's is nothing imminent that I need to worry about except for exams. I cannot seem to figure out what this "everything" is, because the only stressful thing occurring in my life right now is exams. So why am I stressed? What is draining me? Because if it's just exams, I am definitely over-stressing.

Having the right intentions is an implication that repeats itself throughout a lot of Scripture. I've been slack in evaluating these intentions and ensuring that I'm not doing things for my own gain or for myself to look good in front of others. Where does my pride lie? What am I doing for my own selfish gain? How can I be working to bring glory to God?  ( Reflections on Matthew 6:1-4 ) 

"For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." - Matthew 5:20 Reminded of the high standards of God when it comes to entering his kingdom, but also his grace in allowing me a place because He sent Jesus to make me righteous.  Lift His name up high, for in your rebellion, he brought you close. His grace and mercy you have not deserved.  His love and kindness knows no end.

It's been very apparent to me how complacent I am, and also how much of a facade I put on in front of other people. Because being vulnerable is not desirable in this world. It's better to put on a strong face than show people you are weak. But the Lord says, 'My grace is sufficient for you.   My power is strongest when you are weak.'  So why do you still pretend to be strong? Why do you pretend that things are ok? Why aren't you seeking Christ?

Who am I to doubt your love for me, O Lord? The love that is so extravagant, so lavishing, how could I forget such a wonderful gift?  Who am I to look down upon myself and forget you are my creator? How can I forget that you created me in your image? I am the result of your handiwork, how can I say that your creation isn't good enough.  Who am I to not trust in your words? How could I forget the grace you have so mercifully bestowed upon me. Me who is so undeserving.  How could I try to contain you O Lord. You who is greater than the heavens.  Your greatness and your love cannot be described in words.  Praise be to God. 

I felt the need to sit down and wrestle with this a little and perhaps give myself a little debrief session.  I have a group assignment that requires discussion and presentation about my individual world views. There were a bunch of questions that helped unpack this, and my group and were going through them and talking about what we thought about it. Some of these questions included, "Is there a God?", "What is God's role in human affairs?", "Who or what made the world?" In my group of four, 3 members are non-Christians, 2 of which are my best friends.  As we were going through the questions, I became increasingly anxious and unsettled. I found myself being unable to elaborate on my views as a Christian and felt extremely intimidated. I felt ashamed of myself because I couldn't share my faith openly. And I know it's because I was afraid of judgement. Afraid of the way they would perceive me.  I'm sorry Dad.  I'm sorry t...

Currently in the "I can't sleep because stress" mode because I can't stop thinking about how behind I am on uni, and how little time I have to get back on track. I'm stressed, and cannot function well enough to do anything about it. :/

"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." Thanks Dad for your great mercy. I don't deserve it, yet you have so graciously extended it to me. Thank you Lord. 

I don't want to call someone and let out my stress because I don't even know why I'm stressed out in the first place. All I know is that this entire ordeal about the missing package is giving me a lot of pressure for no apparent reason and I don't want to deal with it. But if I don't, both my parents will be angrier. Why are you so useless? so worthless?  These thoughts run through my head and I feel suffocated by them. Because they're true aren't they?

Feeling suffocated and short of breath. Also stressed out and dreading tomorrow.  Help. 

I get that it's my fault. There's no need to continuously yell at me and point out that I did something wrong. And on a day when I'm already feeling terrible because I'm in pain.

And here I finally decide to make my first post for 2016! And yes, I'm well aware that it's 4:40am. Perfect time to reflect on 2015, am I right? 2015 was a HUGE year. Mainly because I started first year uni which required me to make new friends, and adapt to a new environment which was extremely unnerving. But, boy did it all fly by quickly. Uni was super eye-opening and enjoyable last year. It really makes a difference when you're working at something you love. Having gone on pracs and experienced life as a "nurse", I've felt how rewarding it is to care for people and help people, not for my own benefit, but because they needed it. Nerve-wrecking, but such an amazing experience. One thing I found difficult was making friends with people in my course, or keeping the friends I made in the course. But I guess I'm not exactly the most sociable person, and I've noticed I did tend to shut myself from the world when I had the chance to. Not sure if a g...