I once was lost but now I'm found

It's his birthday today. I'm not sure why I felt the need to blog, but yes, it is his birthday. It's probably been a month since he was notified, and I still have feelings for him. I don't want to feel continually disappointed because he doesn't like me, yet I am stubborn. I know it takes time, but I wish it didn't.

I've been going through a devotion on repentance this week, and I feel that it's been God speaking to me, especially in my sin. The one thing that I cannot fathom is God's forgiveness towards us when we repent of our sins. (I don't think it is possible to understand the mercy he has bestowed upon us in sending his son to die in our place)  "God's forgiveness eliminates all the darkness in your life, and brings you into the light no matter what sins we've committed."  "if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:8

God, should I not be placing my identity in you? So then, what is stopping me?  Your grace is sufficient, yet why do I feel so inadequate? "I am the bread of life" you say, and yet I feel so unsatisfied- still seeking earthly pleasures rather than the treasures of heaven. Who am I that I may receive your grace? Nobody. What do I gain from seeking earthly pleasures such as human relationships and acknowledgement of my abilities? Nothing. I know, yet I don't do. I understand, yet I don't understand. I see, yet I don't believe. Why have you taken my ability to bear children away? What shall come of this? My inadequacy stems from the fact that this has been taken away. Yet this was how you created me. Fix your identity on Jesus- the one who saved you, even in your brokenness, even in your sin. The one broke the chains of sim and death, and gave you an eternity with Him. The one who restored you into a relationship with Him, and  made you perfect in His sight. ...

Lately I've been putting a lot of thought into moving to Newcastle for uni (that is if I don't end up in UTS) Reasons being, it might be a good idea to move away from home and live independently for a while. I've always wanted to move away anyway, especially because I've never really felt comfortable at home.  Also, it'd be good to spend some time away from B. (but who knows what will become of this by the time this happens) The cons would most definitely be accommodation costs and living fees though. It's really expensive to move out of home, so I don't know if I really want to do it.  Hey Dad, wherever I end up, I know that you are in control of my life. Uni, no uni, move away, stay home, whatever it is,I can say that you have a plan for me in this life, and I will follow through faithfully under your guidance. Let your will pan out in my life. 

As we get more and more comfortable with each other again, the harder it is for me to get rid of the feelings I felt towards him. At first I thought, okay, this is great. I'm being honest with him, and I was beginning to think that it was helpful. I really thought what he said on the 8th was a turning point for me. But now, I just feel like I took a step backwards to the starting line, rather than moving forward.  I'm not blaming him for this because I know he is trying his hardest to be as helpful as possible. It is all me.  Dad, what do I do? After months and months of prayer for you to take the feelings away, they still linger. Even after letting him know just to let go, I run back. What do I do? 

My stress levels are pretty up there- on a scale of 1-10 probably at 9. I can tell, because I've been getting frustrated very often, unable to concentrate, tired and sick. I'm grumpy a lot, and getting really sensitive to what people say. My temper is a frail rope about to snap. Stop it Satan. I don't need you to tell me I'm worse than others. I don't need to you control my temper like it's a puppet. Leave. God, give me a mind focused on your glory as I work through the year. Teach me to glorify you as I study, being s good witness of you. Keep me self-controlled and alert towards Satan who is always lurking. Teach me to trust in the Victorious and flee from the evil.

I don't intend to be in a relationship. Ever.  I needed these words- thank you. I think I can let go now.  Goodbye to the 4 years I spent liking you.  God, it's you and me. Please let this process of letting go be as painless as possible. Refocus my life with you as my top priority. Do not let things get in the way of our relationship. Teach me to love you with all my mind, all my heart, all my soul.