I once was lost but now I'm found

Well, another year is drawing to close, with the new year closer than I'd like. I guess this is the time to re-cap like I do every year. Let's talk about the bad things first: There was so much pain this year, more than I expected. I really hoped that the doctors would find a cause for the pain, but still nope. And honestly, I'm really starting to lose hope. 2 years of prayer, and yet God hasn't given me a treatment answer. But I know that God knows what it is, and perhaps it isn't time to reveal it. Many things happened that caused a lot of emotional pain; a discussion of divorce from my parents, many arguments, harsh remarks, undecided decisions regarding feelings, stress as the HSC year begins/began. But all in all, despite the amount of pain, despite the breakdowns, despite the tears, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that God has kept me in Him throughout the year, that through all the pain, I know I've grown and matured in Christ. I know that I'v...

The despair you feel when you're told you can't have a child. The sadness you feel when the pain is a constant reminder of your childlessness. Nobody really understands. You can accept it, but it will always come back to haunt you. You can overcome it, but you still feel so insecure. People try to understand. People make analogies and try to console you. But no-one understands. No-one gets the insecurity because they've never experienced it. They won't understand. They don't need to think about these things. But I do. And I don't want to. But I can't help it. Because I'm insecure. And I'm in pain. Lots and lots of pain. GO AWAY PAIN. I HATE YOU. Why can't you just leave me alone? Annie, who is drowing in sorrow and pain, look to Jesus. He understands you, even when no-one else does. He understands the pain. He knows what it feels like, ten/twenty/hundred times over. Look to Jesus.

I've been praying for a while now that if the feelings toward B aren't of God, then to have it taken away. But, it seems only to have grown. I used to be okay around him- calm and collected. But since he's been back, it's been difficult to calm myself down. From the beating heart that will not slow down until he's gone, to the increased thoughts. Even now just writing this is causing my heart to go a bit crazy.  I know very well that I am not ready for any relationship of this sort, and I know that I have a lot of things I need to overcome before I am ready. I also know that he doesn't like me, only seeing me as a sister, or even just a friend.  Gah, I don't know. 

It was just today that I was thinking I hadn't been blogging for a while. Well, I am now because I'm in a lot of pain. I should probably tell my parents or someone. But I can't move. It hurts so much. Exactly what is causing this? I'm sick of not knowing. I'm sick of trying things only to learnt that they don't work. I'm sick of it all. I'm willing to go through surgery again if it would take away the pain. I'm willing to do anything, as long as it takes away the pain. Daddy, please take it away.

Chatting over dinner with my parents about relationships and marriage related stuff. It was quite an interesting conversation where the conclusion they both want me to get married quicker haha. That's not the point of this though... The point is that we go to the topic of having kids and they both refuse to believe that I can't have kids. (Naturally anyway) Mum especially doesn't want to believe, saying things like, "what are you talking about? Of course you CAN have kids. You don't need to adopt." They still haven't accepted it, even if it's been a few years since the operation. I don't even think I can actually have kids naturally because of the uterus thing that will most likely cause a miscarriage. *sigh* What can I do? I've long gone past the fact that I'm infertile, but thinking about how my parents still think I'm like a normal girl hurts me quite a bit. Thinking about how they still have hope when I know there is none make...

想你想到要哭了. 我都不知道我到底在想什么，只知道我很想你 颜愉啊，颜愉...别想了 放弃吧. 你还不放弃就会更痛，更伤心. 他是不会喜欢你的，所以我求你，放弃吧. 他根本不想谈恋爱，不想跟人家交往. 神啊，怎么办呢？我好想他喔. 如果这些感情不来至于你的，我求你把他那走吧 这样下去，我会很伤心的. 我该怎么办呢？

(The better option is to not read this because there is a lot of information regarding menstruation) Normally, my monthly menstruation cycle is very stable, but since going on pills again, something has gone wrong. For one, I'm still menstruating despite it being 2 weeks already. The meds haven't been working either, because I find myself in pain quite a bit. (I've become pretty good at hiding it...) I'm at quite a loss now as to what to do. Mum thinks it's normal and doesn't think I should think too much about it, but I know my body. I know what normally happens and what shouldn't. And bleeding for more than a week is very abnormal for me. Last time that happened, I had to have surgery! >< Not to mention, the blood isn't the colour it's supposed to be. What am I to dooooo? I should probably call up my gynaecologist and sort things out before it's too late. *nod nod* Ahh, but mum says I don't need to. :/ So much pain though. /WH...

My sister really cares for me. Although a lot of the time I don't understand why she does certain things, I know that she cares for me and I know she loves me. But me? I'm selfish. I fail to recognise this until now, thinking that I'm the neglected child, the one no-one cares about. I refuse the responsibility that I should take and don't take good care of my sister, knowing she needs it. I'm sometimes ashamed of her. I don't take the time to get to know her better, even knowing that I should. I never try to understand her. I'm the worst aren't I? I'm the worst sister you could ever have. I'm so selfish. Sorry Dad for failing to recognise how selfish I am in regards to my sister. Sorry that over the many years that have past, I haven't been the best sister I could be. I haven't taken on my responsibility of taking proper care of my siblings. I'm sorry. Recognising this, please work in me to become a sister who isn't selfish an...

Wow, second post of the day- I'm on a roll. More to the point...you don't realise how much you've missed someone until you catch up with them. In my case anyway... Gah, I miss B. Gah, I shouldn't be missing him in this way. Gah, I still miss him. GAH.

Hasn't been a good few days- been crying pretty much everyday since Monday. Reasons? Well... 1. Getting marks from my first assessments back weren't the best and having people deliberately rub it in my face wasn't good either. (It really has gotten to a point where it's deliberate and I'm on the verge of slapping her for being inconsiderate to her peers- not just because of me, but for everyone else...but that won't happen.) I'm finding it really difficult to forgive her for it. But I know I have to. 2.  Mum hasn't been the most helpful in terms of stress relieving. Let's talk about what was my fault first. I was really unhappy with the fact that I came home to a lot of shouting and so I was really moody. And since I was moody, I didn't want anyone to come in and disturb me, but my sister came in and I shouted at her. I also slapped her out of fury even though she was just trying to help out. So, I understand that mum shouted at me for being ...