I once was lost but now I'm found

Haven't blogged in quite a while- which isn't a bad thing. There just aren't many things to update on.  Had another gynaecologist appointment- and I must say that I sometimes wonder why I bother going. I hear the same things over and over again...a little sick of it.  There was however, a proper, more definitive diagnosis to the problem- trapped ovaries. I did some research myself, and it does mean that I'm going to be taking pills, and 10 billion painkillers for the rest of my life. There's no other way to do things. A part of me wishes this could be taken care of by surgery, but it can't be because of all the adhesions.  That's okay I guess. A body like this was given to me- and it's by grace that I can be alive today. It's also by grace that I'm saved- and this is further affirmed by the fact that I wouldn't have chosen God if he hadn't chosen me.  In other news, I've been going through the book of Judges and I can see the attitude...

We grieve and mourn over our perishing bodies, but what have we to lose. Though outwardly we waste away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Our outwardly worries achieve for us the eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Cor 4:16-17) We await a new body that is imperishable, raised in glory and power, a spiritual body. (1 Cor 15:42-44) Rather than wasting our efforts worrying for our appearances, look forward to the eternal glory with awaits us. And it's not like the youngins will find us ugly :P Look at us, "old grannies are cute", we always say.

Tonight, my sister cried out for me to help her and I felt utterly helpless. I don't know the full story of what happened, but I had seen enough to realise how unfair and unreasonable my parents can be. They threatened to kick her out if she had done anything she shouldn't have instead of sitting down to talk it through with her. My sister, in fear, cried and cried, and yet, I sat there, feeling useless and disappointed. The one time I should've stepped in, I didn't because I myself also fear being scolded and having old scars that sealed my inadequacy re-open. Now, I sit here, wallowing in regret. I really can't do anything right can I?

I'm drowning myself in music right now because I'm afraid of what's going on outside. I'm afraid that it's going to be shouting over the same darn thing that has been recurring over this year, and I'm not ready for the heartbreak all over again. I'm afraid of understanding the situation knowing that it will only cause unwanted disappointment and tears. A part of me just doesn't want to get involved, but at the same time I know that it will be inevitable as soon as I step out of this room. Where is the love I so desire from this family? Why are the voices outside only filled with anger, disappointment and sadness? My comfort can only be found in Christ Jesus. Your love will stand firm through all my life. 

The topic of gay marriage came up during break today (because of the wear it purple day our school is doing), and I am rather disappointed in the way I presented my views. I hadn't seized the opportunity to get the Gospel message across, but instead only stated that I didn't agree with it. When they asked me why, I feared being shunned for my views and didn't say much else other than, "even though I don't agree with it, it doesn't mean I don't love them for who they are." And although this is true, I'm still disappointed that I was to scared to bring in the Gospel. Honestly though, I think I still need to look into this topic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjkzfeJz66o I've been watching a lot of TED talks, and none have struck me like this one. It's amazing how God has included in His creation things that help us fight disease that seem untreatable. I was in complete awe watching this video because God's creation IS good. The specificity of his creation is just so amazing, knowing that no detail had been left out. AMAZING.  God is so good.

I've come to realise that I will/won't ever know what it's like to not have scars on my body. And yes, I'm talking about the physical ones strewn across my abdomen.  The general association placed on scars is that they're ugly, and people are ashamed of them. But you know what? I'm proud of my scars. Each and every scar on my abdomen show that God has kept me alive. It's evidence that I've come out of every surgery alive and well. Something could've gone very wrong- the doctors could've made a mistake, the anaesthesia could've worn off before the surgery ended, I could've just stopped breathing. But no. God protected me while I was in the theatre, and now I'm alive, despite the scars across my body.  Sure I'm never going to wear a bikini (don't intend to, scars or not), and people may look at  me differently when they know, but I guess it's not a big deal.  Nothing beats knowing that I could've died before knowi...

Definitely not in a good mood today. Just shouted at my sister because she was trying to come into my room when I told her not to. I need to study but I'm so drained of energy.

I've come to the realisation that I get jealous easily, especially when it comes to academics. I mean, every time I work really hard on something but don't do so well, I am a little disappointed. But when I see that others who didn't work as hard, or didn't study get a better mark than me, I immediately become even more disappointed than I originally was. In my mind, I resent them because they did better even though they didn't study, or I helped them with editing the essay. AND I HATE THIS FEELING. It's not right, and definitely not glorifying to God. I need help. Dad, I'm sorry for feeling resentment towards these things. Over and over again I have committed wrong in your eyes and now I come before you in repentance knowing that only you can give me peace. I need you to help me to rid myself of all jealousy and live a life holy and pleasing to you. Teach me to follow the example of Christ - loving others in all circumstances. Teach me to be content wit...

Ahh so tired. Physically and mentally. School has been taking a toll on me- especially with trials and Jap speaking. I'm definitely not feeling ready for anything and I'm going to need a lot of strength to come through it. And I know this strength won't come from me.

Huh, it's been quite a while since I've posted here. Trials are creeping closer and closer, and you can't say I'm not stressed. But at the same time I haven't been the most productive person...in fact, I must say I'm very lazy. Less than 2 weeks til trials and I'm sitting here writing a blog. Here's how I've been going. All the drama's died down since last time, thankfully. I'm learning to let it go and not let it bother me as much. At the moment it seems that my parents are keeping a close watch on my sister, and God willing, it won't happen again. In terms of Barney, I can't say I don't have feelings towards him anymore, but it has been better. I guess I'm able to be comfortable around him again. My pain has returned, but what can I do. My menstrual cycle is currently terrible- I think I've bled for almost a month now. The pain is as usual, a pain- especially to manage because my meds haven't been of use lately....

I joke about this all the time, but I actually find it really hard to make friends- more specifically long lasting friends. The first meeting is good, but as the relationship deepens, and I run out of things to say other than the good ol' "how was your week/day", it just gets awkward. And so, me and friendships that last don't mix well, and I'm very blessed to actually have these friends.

Hey Dad, How is it possible that you can take on the burdens of the world? I can barely handle the few around me. And I need you to get me through this because I'm going to crash and fall without you. I'm crumbling under the pressure of having to get a certain ATAR. I'm torn by burdens of my sister's behaviour. I'm being crushed as I try with all my might to let go of a person. I need you.

It's been a very tough night. But, I have to act like nothing's happening because I can't let my parents see me break down. It will only put more stress onto them. I need put a smile back on my face, and let things fall into place. It'll be tough, but God is in control. I will trust in Him through it all. Smile, and let it be.

I don't know how to deal with another "pregnancy" scare. WHY IN MY HSC YEAR? Seriously. Is there not enough I have to stress about? An I not panicking enough? Because I feel like I'm at the edge of breaking down with everything going on already, so why is there another thing added to my list. I haven't even fully recovered from the last time, and here comes another one. Let's hope that it isn't real, and the results don't come up positive. Dad, I know I'm being really selfish when I say this, but I really don't want to have to call up to plan another abortion. I've really had enough of it. I pray that you protect Alice, keeping her under your wing. Please, let this be just a scare, and not the actual thing. (For lack of a better word) Dad, I'm so mentally tired. I really cannot have anything else barge into my life and have me solve it. You said that you won't give us more than we can take. I trust that you will carry my burdens...

I'm probably thinking too far ahead into the future but I look forward to being able to have adult to adult chats with my brother. Just thinking about how fast he's growing up scares me, but at the same time excites me. To have watched him grow up, from infant till now is just so amazing. Dad, For Henry, I pray that he grows up to be a man who loves and fears you. Who sees you grace and mercy and wants to live according to your will. May I be a good witness to him as he is growing up and teach him what it means to be a child of God.

I'm finding it a little hard to forgive my friends for the practical joke they played on me today. To think they thought it was funny to take my things and hide them in empty lockers. Although I wasn't very happy with that, I think the main reason I'm finding it hard to forgive is that they didn't apologise, but rather placed the blame on me for leaving my things unattended while I went to my locker. Not only that, but refusing to help me find my things until the final second before the bell went for break to be over. I can laugh off the insults thrown at me. But I really do think they took it a little too far today. Even if it was just for a good laugh. I certainly didn't find it funny. Dad, I don't want to feel bitter towards them. Help me to forgive them.

Placing this here as a reminder; Is anything too hard for the Lord? No. So ask God for his power to help you conquer sin.

Dad (earthly) really cares about me. Yet I spend so much time ignoring, or getting angry at him. Sometimes I may think that he doesn't understand me, but he really works hard for the family, and really works hard to get to know me and care for me. I'm so thankful for dad. Earthly and heavenly.

So much pain. Take it away. Please.

It's his birthday today. I'm not sure why I felt the need to blog, but yes, it is his birthday. It's probably been a month since he was notified, and I still have feelings for him. I don't want to feel continually disappointed because he doesn't like me, yet I am stubborn. I know it takes time, but I wish it didn't.

I've been going through a devotion on repentance this week, and I feel that it's been God speaking to me, especially in my sin. The one thing that I cannot fathom is God's forgiveness towards us when we repent of our sins. (I don't think it is possible to understand the mercy he has bestowed upon us in sending his son to die in our place)  "God's forgiveness eliminates all the darkness in your life, and brings you into the light no matter what sins we've committed."  "if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:8

God, should I not be placing my identity in you? So then, what is stopping me?  Your grace is sufficient, yet why do I feel so inadequate? "I am the bread of life" you say, and yet I feel so unsatisfied- still seeking earthly pleasures rather than the treasures of heaven. Who am I that I may receive your grace? Nobody. What do I gain from seeking earthly pleasures such as human relationships and acknowledgement of my abilities? Nothing. I know, yet I don't do. I understand, yet I don't understand. I see, yet I don't believe. Why have you taken my ability to bear children away? What shall come of this? My inadequacy stems from the fact that this has been taken away. Yet this was how you created me. Fix your identity on Jesus- the one who saved you, even in your brokenness, even in your sin. The one broke the chains of sim and death, and gave you an eternity with Him. The one who restored you into a relationship with Him, and  made you perfect in His sight. ...

Lately I've been putting a lot of thought into moving to Newcastle for uni (that is if I don't end up in UTS) Reasons being, it might be a good idea to move away from home and live independently for a while. I've always wanted to move away anyway, especially because I've never really felt comfortable at home.  Also, it'd be good to spend some time away from B. (but who knows what will become of this by the time this happens) The cons would most definitely be accommodation costs and living fees though. It's really expensive to move out of home, so I don't know if I really want to do it.  Hey Dad, wherever I end up, I know that you are in control of my life. Uni, no uni, move away, stay home, whatever it is,I can say that you have a plan for me in this life, and I will follow through faithfully under your guidance. Let your will pan out in my life. 

As we get more and more comfortable with each other again, the harder it is for me to get rid of the feelings I felt towards him. At first I thought, okay, this is great. I'm being honest with him, and I was beginning to think that it was helpful. I really thought what he said on the 8th was a turning point for me. But now, I just feel like I took a step backwards to the starting line, rather than moving forward.  I'm not blaming him for this because I know he is trying his hardest to be as helpful as possible. It is all me.  Dad, what do I do? After months and months of prayer for you to take the feelings away, they still linger. Even after letting him know just to let go, I run back. What do I do? 

My stress levels are pretty up there- on a scale of 1-10 probably at 9. I can tell, because I've been getting frustrated very often, unable to concentrate, tired and sick. I'm grumpy a lot, and getting really sensitive to what people say. My temper is a frail rope about to snap. Stop it Satan. I don't need you to tell me I'm worse than others. I don't need to you control my temper like it's a puppet. Leave. God, give me a mind focused on your glory as I work through the year. Teach me to glorify you as I study, being s good witness of you. Keep me self-controlled and alert towards Satan who is always lurking. Teach me to trust in the Victorious and flee from the evil.

I don't intend to be in a relationship. Ever.  I needed these words- thank you. I think I can let go now.  Goodbye to the 4 years I spent liking you.  God, it's you and me. Please let this process of letting go be as painless as possible. Refocus my life with you as my top priority. Do not let things get in the way of our relationship. Teach me to love you with all my mind, all my heart, all my soul. 

This week, I've spent nights consciously repeating to myself that I'm not defined by what I've always thought myself to be defined as. I've repeated time and time again that my identity is found in Christ, yet to no avail, I still found myself wallowing in my insecurities.  Time and time again, I've thought of physical pain in exchange for emotional pain- even though such thoughts disgust me. I've thought of taking pill after pill after pill, just to dull the thoughts.  Yet I am glad, for I've come to realise once more the greatness of his love for me, though having known it for such a long time.  I am not defined by my insecurities, but my identity is found in Christ, for it was He who humbled himself, suffered yet remained perfect and blameless, was crucified, died, and rose again, to bring me to God.  "Christ died once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God." -1 Peter 3:18 

To hear your own sister say to your face that she hates you... :/ In a sense, I should be used to it because she says it so often, but it still hurts quite a bit. :/ Yep, she hates me. I'm the absolute worst.

Currently in a mood where I just don't want to deal with anything- not my family, not my dead laptop, not my feelings.  But then again, that was what the past weeks felt like, simply because I'm so sick and tired of everything that's been going on since the exam period began.  I'm so tired, not just physically, but emotionally too. And I don't want to admit it, but spiritually as well.  Sure, the past weeks were a good learning experience for me, but it felt like I had no time at all to just wind down and relax. To not have to worry over other things when I spent time with God.  That sounds nice...having no worries. Too bad it doesn't happen. :/ 

You can never tell that we're sisters. She probably hates me because I'm such a horrible sibling. I'm the worst.

Welp, all exam results are back, and to say the least, I'm disappointed in myself. Although when compared to the grade, I didn't do too horribly, my grades dropped quite significantly. This may be due to what happened that week in addition to exam stress, but I feel like I'm just giving myself excuses when I think that. However, despite the disappointment, I know that I tried my best, and everything was in fact under God's control. Bad exam marks aren't the end of the world- and if anything, I've learnt not to dwell on it for too long, and move on. Take it as a learning experience. Fix your eyes on Jesus. It'll be over soon.

Been keeping it hidden for 4 years, I'm finally telling him. For the sake of closure and letting go so I won't continue to be distracted by this. Now, let's hope I don't chicken out last minute because I tend to do that. God, you've given me the courage to decide this. Now, I need to have the confidence and do it. Please give me the words to say. Your will be done.

I got an email today from one of the Bible apps I subscribed to, which is something I get on a normal basis. Siince we're speaking of 'normal basis', it would probably be worthwhile to mention that I would normally just delete the email and move on.  Today however, I opened the email. What I found was very compelling and really spoke to me:  Then Paul answered, “Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.” (Acts 21:13)  There's no doubt that Paul is a great encouragement to disciples, but this verse was not only an encouragement, it shouted out to me.  Paul talks about being bound- going to prison for the glory of Jesus; I, as much as I hate to admit it, still can't do that. I am a coward, who would rather avoid something so I'm not in anyway hurt, than to do it in Jesus' name.  So, from now on, I will, with the strength of God, step out of my comfort zone and do the...

There's been way too many tears this week. But it'll be okay because Jesus is still holding me, very very tightly. It will turn out fine- I trust God.

I cried as I was talking to God just then, for a reason I'm not allowed to share with anyone. But, know that I'm okay, because I'm not carrying the burden alone, but with Jesus. I'll be fine, because Jesus will keep me, and continue to embrace me as I work through this burden. In due time, I will let you know, but not now. For now, I will trust in God, I will trust in His will, and walk accordingly.

So, yesterday, I fainted in class and I'm pretty sure it's because of all the stress I'd been under in regards to exams. And although fainting may not be a good thing, I learnt that my mum is very observant. She noticed how much pressure I had on me, and she noticed that all that's really been on my mind was exams. And all day, I was reminded that I shouldn't stress so much, and I shouldn't put myself under too much pressure. Dad told me that there really was no pressure placed on me by my parents, and it was all me pressuring myself that this happened. And I think I agree. I'm always so worried that I'll fail, always so worried that I won't do well. But it's okay. It's not that I'm not capable right? So calm down Annie, you got this. You'ce put in the work, now it's up to God.

Today's lunchtime consisted of people gossiping about someone I cared about- and it made me think. Why are people so shallow? Why must people know about the latest gossip about someone? Dang it, why do people even gossip about each other? I honestly thought the people gossiping and the person gossiped about were good friends, why on earth do you have to talk about them behind their back? So, maybe me blogging about this isn't any better, but at the very least I still love these people and I still see them as good friends. Honestly though, having listened to the gossip, it made me quite scared that maybe I was gossiped about and I'd never know. If someone would turn their back on another person despite seeming to be good friends, I could only imagine the amount of people turning their back on me. And knowing this hurts. I didn't like listening to the gossip and I genuinely think the girl who was gossiped about didn't deserve to be spoken about like that. Peopl...

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. -Ephesians 4:32 Dang it, why is this so difficult. Why have I still not forgiven those who had hurt me at one point?  The smallest of matters- I still haven't forgiven. I'm still bitter about things that had happened in the past, e.g. The friend who had unintentionally rubbed it in my face that she got an almost perfect score in an exam while I sulked about my own low score. Or every time I'm called 'poop' because I'm going to Ignite.  Why have I not forgiven them? Why does this bitterness still linger in my heart?  Look to God's grace and mercy. His sacrifice for you was so much greater, so much more painful. His anger towards you is a lot more deserving than your own bitterness. Your sin is so great, yet God bore it all. He forgave you. Now forgive others. 

I thought I was okay yesterday after ranting about screwing up in the chem exam, but apparently I'm not. I'm constantly worried, and constantly telling myself that I'm stupid for being an idiot.  Stop it Satan. Have you not tormented me enough? All these years you've implanted lies into my head- aren't you happy now?  Dad, I'm so thankful that you sent your son into the world to conquer sin and death. So thankful that you are the way, the truth and the life. So thankful that you've adopted me into your loving family- that through your son, I am perfect in your eyes. Dad, don't let Satan get to me. Shield me from his evil ways. 

I don't feel comfortable being at home. At home, I feel like I'm being constantly judged by the way I do things/handle things. My sister is constantly staring at me, as if she's trying to find faults in me (in which she continuously complains about them to my parents right in front of me.) My parents have so many expectations of me- when I'm home I feel that they pressure me to do well, even if they aren't actually saying it. Dad and my sister are always shouting/arguing. My mum is always shouting at my brother to do his homework. My brother is always refusing, only causing more shouting. My mum complains that I don't know things just because I can't explain it. Dad is complaining about mum because she is apparently not taking care of the house properly.  I just feel really uncomfortable at home- and this shouldn't be how it is. How can I not be comfortable in my own home?  I can't handle all the complaining, all the shouting...and this is wher...

Supposed to stop liking you. Clearly didn't happen. :/

I don't know of I'm just really stressed or what, but every single night's sleep has been horrid. Pretty much every night, I've woken up almost every hour or every 2 hours. When I don't wake up, I get nightmares that make me wake up anyway. It's not that I'm not tired too- when I go to bed, I'm downright exhausted. *Sigh* Not sure if I should check it out with a gp. Gah idk. We'll see in a few days.

Read a couple of Psalms today- they are absolutely amazing. Such great reminders of God's faithfulness to his people. "I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, oh God and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak." Psalm 77:1-4 Just v4 was such great comfort- even though I'm always really tired, even though a lot of the time I'm reluctant to read the Bible and even though I stress out a lot about the HSC (so much that it's consuming my life), God is the one keeping me alive, keeping my fire going so that I can push through the year. God is the one who keeps me in His love, reminding me that HSC isn't the most important, there are much greater things.

I haven't written in quite a long time, and honestly, it's not because nothing's going on. On several occasions I had wanted to write something, but I guess a part of me felt like if I wrote it up, I had to deal with it, and I didn't want that. (Yes, avoiding problems) And even though I still don't want to deal with it, I figured it'd be good to let it out here so I wouldn't be bottling things up again. The first thing is that the loneliness/worthless thoughts are back. No matter how many times I'm told, "you're not useless, you're not worthless, you're precious in God's sight", it just never stops the thinking. This time however, I know it's for 'good' reason, something I do need to repent of rather than beating myself up with it. I feel that a lot of the time, I'm not as godly as I should be. For example the time when my friend thought I was going to swear- is that how people see me? Or when I just listen alo...

I enjoyed my day with the family, even though there were some arguments here and there. But as soon as I come back from hanging out with church buddies, there's a dispute over money! Why can't you just let it go? Why is there alwayssss an argument? WHY is money such a big deal? So sick of it. It disgusts me to see people getting worked up about stupid things like money. Just let it go. :(

Went to the GP today upon request by the nurses in the Adolescent medicine department while I was booking my gyno. I guess a bit of an update is necessary. It seems there had been this benign fibroid tumour in my uterus that I never knew about because no-one explained the results of my previous ultrasound. Which explains the excessive bleeding and the immense pain during menstruation.  (It sounds worse than it is, but it's actually quite common in women and it shrinks after menopause.) BUT, doesn't explain the other pain. (blagh, upon my own research, it's not common at all for women under the age of 20...) That was basically it. One problem solved, so praise God :)

Trying so hard to let go. Why is it so difficult? Why is it so painful? We're not even in a relationship. I can't even look at you. How do I let go knowing that my heart still beats for you?

阿媽又罵我沒用，一點事情也做不好。又罵我整天都不溫習，只會花錢。 我不是習慣了嗎？不是已經對這些麻痹了嗎？那為什麽我還在想，還覺得傷心？ 每一次都選我不舒服的時候罵我。開心了嗎？