I once was lost but now I'm found

Well, another year is drawing to close, with the new year closer than I'd like. I guess this is the time to re-cap like I do every year. Let's talk about the bad things first: There was so much pain this year, more than I expected. I really hoped that the doctors would find a cause for the pain, but still nope. And honestly, I'm really starting to lose hope. 2 years of prayer, and yet God hasn't given me a treatment answer. But I know that God knows what it is, and perhaps it isn't time to reveal it. Many things happened that caused a lot of emotional pain; a discussion of divorce from my parents, many arguments, harsh remarks, undecided decisions regarding feelings, stress as the HSC year begins/began. But all in all, despite the amount of pain, despite the breakdowns, despite the tears, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that God has kept me in Him throughout the year, that through all the pain, I know I've grown and matured in Christ. I know that I'v...

The despair you feel when you're told you can't have a child. The sadness you feel when the pain is a constant reminder of your childlessness. Nobody really understands. You can accept it, but it will always come back to haunt you. You can overcome it, but you still feel so insecure. People try to understand. People make analogies and try to console you. But no-one understands. No-one gets the insecurity because they've never experienced it. They won't understand. They don't need to think about these things. But I do. And I don't want to. But I can't help it. Because I'm insecure. And I'm in pain. Lots and lots of pain. GO AWAY PAIN. I HATE YOU. Why can't you just leave me alone? Annie, who is drowing in sorrow and pain, look to Jesus. He understands you, even when no-one else does. He understands the pain. He knows what it feels like, ten/twenty/hundred times over. Look to Jesus.

I've been praying for a while now that if the feelings toward B aren't of God, then to have it taken away. But, it seems only to have grown. I used to be okay around him- calm and collected. But since he's been back, it's been difficult to calm myself down. From the beating heart that will not slow down until he's gone, to the increased thoughts. Even now just writing this is causing my heart to go a bit crazy.  I know very well that I am not ready for any relationship of this sort, and I know that I have a lot of things I need to overcome before I am ready. I also know that he doesn't like me, only seeing me as a sister, or even just a friend.  Gah, I don't know. 

It was just today that I was thinking I hadn't been blogging for a while. Well, I am now because I'm in a lot of pain. I should probably tell my parents or someone. But I can't move. It hurts so much. Exactly what is causing this? I'm sick of not knowing. I'm sick of trying things only to learnt that they don't work. I'm sick of it all. I'm willing to go through surgery again if it would take away the pain. I'm willing to do anything, as long as it takes away the pain. Daddy, please take it away.

Chatting over dinner with my parents about relationships and marriage related stuff. It was quite an interesting conversation where the conclusion they both want me to get married quicker haha. That's not the point of this though... The point is that we go to the topic of having kids and they both refuse to believe that I can't have kids. (Naturally anyway) Mum especially doesn't want to believe, saying things like, "what are you talking about? Of course you CAN have kids. You don't need to adopt." They still haven't accepted it, even if it's been a few years since the operation. I don't even think I can actually have kids naturally because of the uterus thing that will most likely cause a miscarriage. *sigh* What can I do? I've long gone past the fact that I'm infertile, but thinking about how my parents still think I'm like a normal girl hurts me quite a bit. Thinking about how they still have hope when I know there is none make...

想你想到要哭了. 我都不知道我到底在想什么，只知道我很想你 颜愉啊，颜愉...别想了 放弃吧. 你还不放弃就会更痛，更伤心. 他是不会喜欢你的，所以我求你，放弃吧. 他根本不想谈恋爱，不想跟人家交往. 神啊，怎么办呢？我好想他喔. 如果这些感情不来至于你的，我求你把他那走吧 这样下去，我会很伤心的. 我该怎么办呢？

(The better option is to not read this because there is a lot of information regarding menstruation) Normally, my monthly menstruation cycle is very stable, but since going on pills again, something has gone wrong. For one, I'm still menstruating despite it being 2 weeks already. The meds haven't been working either, because I find myself in pain quite a bit. (I've become pretty good at hiding it...) I'm at quite a loss now as to what to do. Mum thinks it's normal and doesn't think I should think too much about it, but I know my body. I know what normally happens and what shouldn't. And bleeding for more than a week is very abnormal for me. Last time that happened, I had to have surgery! >< Not to mention, the blood isn't the colour it's supposed to be. What am I to dooooo? I should probably call up my gynaecologist and sort things out before it's too late. *nod nod* Ahh, but mum says I don't need to. :/ So much pain though. /WH...

My sister really cares for me. Although a lot of the time I don't understand why she does certain things, I know that she cares for me and I know she loves me. But me? I'm selfish. I fail to recognise this until now, thinking that I'm the neglected child, the one no-one cares about. I refuse the responsibility that I should take and don't take good care of my sister, knowing she needs it. I'm sometimes ashamed of her. I don't take the time to get to know her better, even knowing that I should. I never try to understand her. I'm the worst aren't I? I'm the worst sister you could ever have. I'm so selfish. Sorry Dad for failing to recognise how selfish I am in regards to my sister. Sorry that over the many years that have past, I haven't been the best sister I could be. I haven't taken on my responsibility of taking proper care of my siblings. I'm sorry. Recognising this, please work in me to become a sister who isn't selfish an...

Wow, second post of the day- I'm on a roll. More to the point...you don't realise how much you've missed someone until you catch up with them. In my case anyway... Gah, I miss B. Gah, I shouldn't be missing him in this way. Gah, I still miss him. GAH.

Hasn't been a good few days- been crying pretty much everyday since Monday. Reasons? Well... 1. Getting marks from my first assessments back weren't the best and having people deliberately rub it in my face wasn't good either. (It really has gotten to a point where it's deliberate and I'm on the verge of slapping her for being inconsiderate to her peers- not just because of me, but for everyone else...but that won't happen.) I'm finding it really difficult to forgive her for it. But I know I have to. 2.  Mum hasn't been the most helpful in terms of stress relieving. Let's talk about what was my fault first. I was really unhappy with the fact that I came home to a lot of shouting and so I was really moody. And since I was moody, I didn't want anyone to come in and disturb me, but my sister came in and I shouted at her. I also slapped her out of fury even though she was just trying to help out. So, I understand that mum shouted at me for being ...

I've stopped resenting my lack of children for a long time now, but it still causes me a lot of insecurity. So, one of the things I want in life is to get married eventually, but my lack of children makes me believe that it'll never happen. No man wants to put up with a woman who can't have kids. You see, one of the reasons why I hate the pain so much is because it's become a constant reminder that I can't have children. It's not just because I feel hopeless when it comes to knowing what the problem is, but because it reminds me of my inabilities. It reminds me of how disappointed my parents are of me. It reminds me of how disappointed I am in myself. Even though it was beyond my control that this had happened, I can't help but feel inadequate.

I'm getting really angry at my peers because I've got a lot of work to do, and they keep asking for help when I don't even do their subject. And I know I'm probably being angry for no reason- but I'm really really stressed and I don't know what to do. I'm about to break down and have another panic attack. Dad, sorry for being angry. Sorry for complaining. Sorry that I'm not being the most loving person right now. :(

John 7:24 "Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.” This morning's devotion was a wonderful reminder that God is a righteous and just God, who will judge us by looking at our heart and not our appearance. Everywhere we go, people judge us by the most superficial things- our appearances. How rich we appear, how beautiful we are, how well we keep up with fashion. We put up a facade and try to conform to society's norms. But we can be assured and take comfort in God who will judge us righteously and justly, looking into our heart. He sees our broken and defiled self, he sees who we truly are. And I couldn't be more thankful for this. When I feel like I'm judged, I know I can look to Jesus, who was judged by all- who took all our sinful burdens and was nailed to the cross. God judges our heart, not our appearances.

I watched this mini movie thing about a family of 5 kids whose dad went missing after their mum died, and they were dealing with a whole bunch of problems. In the video, each of the 5 kids turned to different things to deal with their problems- relationships, drugs, parties, games, art. It really reminded me of how thankful I am to have received God's grace during my difficulties. If not for Christ, I probably wouldn't be here right now. If not for Christ, my life would've been utterly meaningless. BUT, Christ died for me. Insignificant, little me. Me, a sinner. I can't even begin to imagine the suffering he went through-and how insignificant my suffering is compared to his. Such amazing grace. Such love. Thank you. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.- Romans 5:8

A few things that upset me happened today... 1. Being scolded by my mum for losing a calculator and having her shout at me saying she won't buy me another one was just purely unreasonable. 2. Being told that one of my good friends will probably be leaving school and going to another one because we have a crappy, racist principal who likes to contradict herself. Not to mention I haven't been sleeping much over the past few days so I haven't been a very happy chappy.

I'm in quite a lot of pain right now and I don't know what to do. :/

Blogging about you too much means that I'm thinking about you too much. But I can't help it. I can almost count the days till you're leaving with one hand. 5 darned days, then poof, you're gone for 3 months. I'm dreading it. I'll miss you. Shut up Annie. Concentrate on your work. You don't have the time to mull over someone who probably doesn't care for you as much as you do for them. He won't even miss you. He said so himself. blah.

Yep. Someone please tell me why I'm an emotional wreck. So many feelings I'm trying to grasp- happiness, sadness, stress, pain; all mixed to form droplets of tears. Why am I crying? Stop crying. Daddy... I haven't been running to you. What right do I have to tell others to do it? I haven't been trusting in you. How can I urge others to do it? I haven't been praying to you. I haven't been listening to you. I've been rejecting you. Hearing your words, yet brushing them off. "Come to me ," you say. Yet I don't listen, thinking that I can do it on my own. Thinking that I don't need you. But you've never left my side.  Why am I so selfish? Why am I so proud? How could you still love me?

1.5 weeks. That's so soon! :/  3 months. That's so long. :/  I don't particularly want you to go. 

Why don't my parents do the HSC if they think it's so easy? So, basically, I got my report last night and when my dad saw it, he just kept repeating the fact that my marks were crap and that I'm doing horribly. "You should be the top of the school" My mum wasn't any better, saying that I didn't do well and I need to work harder. Why do they only look at extension maths? I KNOW I FAILED IT. As if I don't feel crappy already. Don't cry. You can't cry.  You're not allowed to cry.

It's day 2 of year 12 and I'm sitting here pulling my hair out because of maths. I have a ridiculous amount of homework I haven't yet tackled and I'm exhausted because it's been quite a long day, but I don't want to get detention for not completing homework. Let this be over soon. :/

No, the title isn't a deliberate reference to our module C topic. Anyway, my parents and I have very different perspectives on the HSC snd how I should go about studying. Both mum and dad want me to stop spending so much time at church and prioritise study instead. They want me to drop serving roles and stop joining H2O- basically meaning they only want me at church for sunday service and possibly Cornerstone. I thoroughly disagree with this. I wish they would understand that my only form of relaxation and rest is spending time with the bros and sis' that I love, doing the things that are most important- serving and worshipping God. I wish they would be able to see that even though my studies are important to me, God is so much greater. His will for me matters a whole lot more that my studies. But as much as I try to communicate this, they don't understand my point of view. It's not just this. My parents continuously hurt me with their words. "You're alway...

The day when B leaves for work in Grafton is about a month away now, if not less. Not sure what to think. One part of me really doesn't want him to go. Another part thinks it's good. But whether I think the former or the latter, he has to go and I will miss him. Oh well! It's not like he's gone forever- only 3 months. And phones are a very convenient device. Blah. Still. Ugh. Whatever. Gonna stop thinking about this.

So, camp has ended and everyone is talking about how fun and how great it was. Admittedly, it was fun, but only certain things. I felt really lonely during camp- always left out/ignored. It might just be me being selfish or attention seeking, but it doesn't change the fact that I was very lonely. It was burdensome to always put on a face and to say I'm fine. But it feels like if I don't, it'll be even lonelier. I'm tired- physically and mentally. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 Tears just gushed out uncontrollably after reading this verse. Very thankful for God,  who is our refuge always.

My dad expects me to get at least a 97 ATAR when I do HSC. It's apparently a waste of my education if I can't even do that. Not just that, he expects me to end up doing medicine, didn't take no for an answer. For one, I don't want to do medicine anymore. I don't have a set goal, just get into something health related. I can't get 97 because even I know that it's beyond my abilities. I'm not the brightest, y'know? I felt like a failure when he was lecturing me. I didn't want to hear his expectations because I knew that it would make me feel like that.

In the end, we're just alone. Whether we like it or not, we are lonely in this world until the day Jesus comes back. As much as I remember who I am in Christ, it doesn't change. I still think I'm useless, I'm still lonely, I'm insignificant. Maybe that's it. I guess my uselessness, my insignificance, my loneliness only magnifies God's grace. How am I so selfish to think that I'm alone in my sufferings. No. Annie, stop being stupid. But I can't help it. It's truth. Is it not? Who would want me around? I'm just that awkward girl, who can't do anything. I'm just that girl who ends up sitting there silently, lonely even with company. I can't do anything right. 好孤獨哦...

I really like stars. Don't even know why I'm blogging about this, but I really like stars. They're so pretty, and I think God having created them so beautiful makes me love them even more.

If there's one flaw I have that is really ungodly it's the fact that I get annoyed at people really easily, especially those who just keep droning on with complaints. Those who don't get my point of view, or those who just keep thinking they're right. Those who rub it in your face that you're wrong and vice versa. Those who just follow other people's opinions and don't have an opinion themself. Those who are evidently not genuine. If you have ever done this, at one point in time I probably would've been really annoyed at you, maybe even to the point where I don't want to talk to you anymore because I've lost respect for you. I know I shouldn't be like this, and I also know I have committed such things too. Sorry Dad. It's wrong, and I shouldn't be like this because it doesn't reflect Jesus, nor shine your glory. Change this heart to be one that is accepting to others, and slow to anger. Teach my to say no to ungodliness, and br...

Voices in my head are screaming- word that I don't necessarily like to hear. "Annie, you're stupid. Annie, you're useless. Annie, you're an idiot. Annie, use your brain. Annie, what good is your brain? Annie, you've got no-one. Annie, you can't do anything right. Annie, you can't even do one thing. " It's true isn't it? It's all true.

Writing notes for biology and constantly telling myself that it'll be fine. I'm trying to believe that I can do this, that I don't need to stress. But I'm stressing. And I can't stop myself from stressing, no matter how many Bible verses are running through my mind reminding myself that God's got this under control, I still stress. I have a headache. I know why I'm stressing. As I continue to write notes, I realise how little I know. As people ask me questions, I realise how under-prepared I am.  As I read through the content, I realise that my parents have always been right. No matter what I do, it's useless. I'm useless. Stupid. Why are you so stupid?

Sit here, take a moment to just admire the beauty of God's creation. I hold my breath as I look up to the stars, amazed that God knows each by name. I stare in complete wonder at how God crafted each and every living organism. I look around at the people and I'm bewildered at all the unique features. Every creature, made good in God's sight. Humans, made according to God's own image. Why don't we ever appreciate the things around us? Why do we take things for granted? Why don't we ever stop and admire the world around us?  Sin. Oh how you anger me. Oh how I despise you so. Yet, why can't I stop? Sorry Dad. For taking things for granted. For ignoring your words. For neglecting you. Sorry Dad. For sinning. 

I helped an older lady at church solve a 4 pics 1 word puzzle today and she was so happy and thankful. I stood there thinking why my parents didn't appreciate me that much for the little things I do. I wish I was appreciated at home/school. It really does feel like no-one likes my presence, or would rather me not there.

Seeiously about to break down on the train because I'm really stressed. The reality of exams is getting to me and I can't do this.

You know when you consciously tell yourself not to do something, but do it anyway? Well, yeh, I was consciously telling myself to not join in the gossip, but I did it anyway! I don't even know why I did that! Sorry Daddy :( Whatever I say probably makes you angry right now, but please forgive me. :( And help me to not do it again! Help me to hold my tongue. /Cries I know you hate it when I sin continuously, and I seriously want to know why you sent your awesome son to die for me even though I'm so sinful. So, so, so sinful. :( But either why, I'm grateful. Very very very grateful. Please do forgive me for gossiping. I love you Daddy!

Stop trying so hard to fit in. Your identity shouldn't be in the people around you, they're not going to be there forever. They will do things that hurt you, even unintentionally. So stop, find your identity in Christ instead. He is the one you should look to, always. When everyone else hurts you, he will be your only comfort. He is your eternal God.

Last night he called again. And you know what I hate myself for? Never having the courage to say "stop calling me". Annie, why are you such a chicken :( Why are you so scared anyway?

The most beautiful words I've heard this whole week are, "I think I'm already there."  (context)  A friend who came to church around 2 months ago (and who I've become quite close to), has somewhere along the way already accepted Jesus as her saviour! Was asking thoughts on RICE and she answered with the above words.  YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Thank you Jesus for saving Christine. :) Thank you for adopting her into your family, and revealing to her your great love for us.  Please keep working in her so that she may become a woman, proud to call your her God, her King and her Father.  God, you work in such mysteriously wonderful ways. I can't ever fully comprehend your ways, but I know that you are working in those who love you and call your their Lord and Saviour. And I know you love us, even more than we could ever love you.  On a different note, sorry Daddy for sinning again. I seem to always fall into Satan's trap.  I always, always feel so guilty and ashame...

Spent the last hour or so chatting with a brother and encouraging him, trying to bring him back to God. I've realised how hypocritical I can be...I really need to take my own advice. :( "Go to your bros and sis'" "Pray." "Read." These are things I myself have to do as well. *sigh* Annie Yan, take your own advice and do these things. geez.

So, my relationship with mum has evidently gotten better since the time when we cried/prayed together. God works in amazing ways. Dad and I are slowly getting better. As slow as a snail I must say, but hey, trust and wait on the Lord. I can't tell if my friendships are better or worse...I'm close to a few, but feel really awkward around others. Maybe it's just me being awkward...maybe they don't feel awkward at all. My sister and I...we're doing better. I haven't gone off at her in a long while, which is REALLY GOOD. Really need to understand that we are different, and I can't expect a certain behaviour from her. God and I are good too. Hehe, YAY DADDY! Gotta really keep working at this relationship though. But it's okay, because I know God is working at it too. :3 On that same note, it's been hard for me to grasp creationism vs evolution/Darwinism. Especially since studying it in biology. I believe God made everything, but I can't help but t...

Went to the GP yesterday and got some meds prescribed to me. Except they're not working and in ways, making it worse. :< You can probably already guess how upset I am that nothing is working. It's gotten to a point where I need to lie to myself and fet myself to ignore the pain and just go and do the things I normally do. Even try to ignore the pain, telling myself it doesn't exist so I can fall asleep. Ah well. What can I do but trust in Jesus?  

I'm sick of dad's mask. I can't even tell if it's a mask. So sick of him making a joke out of serious matters. Uncle has cancer and he laughs it off saying  that it's nothing. If he dies, then let it be. He dismissed mum's insecurity and said she was crazy. He dismisses the very fact that I'm stressed by saying that I'm not trying hard enough. If I did, I wouldn't need to stress. He dismisses my sister's headaches, saying its a figment of her imagination. He dismisses my pain with it's nothing. It'll go away. I'm sick of it. Makes me so angry to hear those words coming out of my dad's mouth.

Recently discovered a band called The Ember Days and I'm really liking their music & lyrics. This song especially: Lock the door, throw it all away, close your eyes, let it fade. Lift your head, count your blessings now, lift your hands, let it fade. Sometimes I wonder, why crying's much easier, than letting go. Sometimes I wonder, why crying's much easier, than letting go. And that's it- it's so simple, yet it's a good reminder to count your blessings and give praise to God, especially when things around you are crazy.

Today, I was informed that my uncle (my favourite one at that) has cancer. It was pretty unexpected considering my uncle actually seemed healthy. Although we don't know whether it's dangerous or mild, I'm still feeling rather uncomfortable and unhappy about it. I don't know. So much is happening in my family lately, with arguments and illnesses. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do. sigh...

Been reading Genesis over the past week. Hoping to keep it up-trying to read the Bible beginning to end. Some thoughts on Genesis so far: 1. God must've been really really angry (understatement) when Adam, Eve and the generations after sinned against Him. 2. What would it be like if I was in Noah's position? Having to watch the whole earth wiped over by a flood. I really admire Noah's faithfulness- God tells you to do something, don't hesitate, just do it. Don't even question his intentions, just believe. 3. Really seeing how amazing God's grace is. He could've unleashed his wrath on us you know? He can, right here, right now, choose to wipe out earth again. But nope. He chose to be merciful sent His son to die for us on the cross as the ultimate sacrifice and save us from condemnation. He did this while we were still sinners too! Gosh, God is amazing. 4.  So, after Noah gets out of the ark, he presents a sacrifice. Can't help but notice that it sai...

My parents are arguing right now. I really want to help, I really do. But I walked in, and I couldn't do anything. It hurts a lot to hear them arguing over trust issues. Daddy, please soften the hardened hearts. Teach them to trust and love each other, but most of all you. Let your will reign over their life. Give me the wisdom to know what to say, and the courage to say it. Amen.

Follow up from yesterday's post, I had a talk with mum. She's going to be talking to dad tonight and it might end up in a separation of the family. I'm scared. I don't like how I'm the only one out of the three who understands. I don't want the family to separate. I really don't. No, I won't be okay. It'll hurt so much. Mum told me not to think about it too much, I can't do it. Mum told me not to cry. I can't do it. It's so quiet tonight. What am I going to do, Daddy? Daddy, this is so sudden. Daddy. Daddy. Help.

Mum came in with dad's phone asking for help, wanting to find his contacts and who he's contacted recently. I can tell that she is insecure. I can tell. Being able to decipher her intentions worries me. Last time mum was insecure, it led to something I don't want to remember. It hurts to see that my mum doesn't trust dad fully. It hurts knowing that something is making her feel this way. What's happening to the family? Screw that. What family...? I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how to react. I don't know how to help. What's happening... Dad, please be the centre of this family. Please...take away any feelings of insecurity mum has and teach her trust. Show me what I can do and give me the courage to do it. Amen.

After two years of not talking to a friend who I'd treated horribly, I finally sent her a messaging to apologise. I don't know how she will respond, I don't even know if she even took the time to read it. I don't blame her, it was my fault. And however she decides to respond, whether she decided to even read it, I will understand. Dad, I do hope we can become friends again, her and I. But if she doesn't want it, it's okay. Let your will be done.

I'm trying. I'm really trying to forget the feelings. I knew it was going to be difficult, but I'm really trying. Daddy. help me. I really don't want him to be a stumbling block in my relationship with you. Please show me what you want me to do.

I was at a family friend's place today, one of dad's friends, and all they ever talk about is how their kids are doing at school. There happened to be one kid (who I'm admittedly not very fond of), who made it to NSGHS, and has the potential to go to Ruse. I don't care about that (except for the fact that even though she's in year 6, she brags a lot), but I do care about my parents' response to the girl's mum. "Your daughter is so studious and hardworking, Annie doesn't even focus on her studies." I get it, it's an Asian thing to do, comparing children.  So, I don't work hard huh? So, all this time I strived to get good marks is worth nothing to you. I'm trying, I really am. But you don't seem to see it. Why did I even bother to try?  I actually know the answer to the last question- to honour my parents through study, all in order to glorify God. 

I've had some very strange thoughts lately, it's terrifying really. And all this time, I've been ignoring it. The one recurring question is- "what will it feel like to be dead?" When I imagine the answers, they never seem pleasant. I remember one distinctly, where I'm in this place, and there's a lot of fire, and hanging chains. I don't even know if it's just Hollywood messing with my mind, but it's rather terrifying.  Daddy, why is it that when I imagine death, it isn't in heaven with you? Why is my picture of death such  terror? And why have I not trusted that by your grace, you have gifted eternal life through Christ? Daddy, keep reminding me that Jesus has paid the price. Please give me assurance, and lead me back to you. I don't want to live with these terrifying images, and believe that is what awaits, because I know it isn't. Dad, take away these images and replace it with your glory. Amen.

Noise, all I ever hear at home is noise. Mind you, it's always just shouting. Shouting shouting shouting. Why isn't there ever any peace and quiet? Why is it just noise? You question why I don't like going home? Why don't you try staying in my house permanently? Let me tell you, it isn't pleasant. So darn tired.

There is not one thing I hate more than pain in this world. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. What I hate more about this pain is that there is no definite reason for it, hence nothing can be done about it.

So. Excruciating pain right now and no-one will know. I had to say it somewhere.

I'm seriously unhappy about the trip to the gynaecologist yesterday. For one, it was useless. The doctor ONLY told me that I was to test out no pills for a month, then go back on them. (I was looking forward to stopping pills forever.) And also to get an ultrasound in 4-5 months. I wasn't anticipating them to have found a cause. I wasn't. But I didn't go all the way to Westmead to be told things I already knew. If pills weren't working, couldn't you have given suggestions to try something else? Not only that, but they down-graded the pain. "It doesn't seem as bad as I thought." You're kidding me right? I can barely move around when I'm in pain and you're saying it doesn't seem too bad? "If it was really bad, you'd have walked in with severe pain." Well excuse you, did I not say that it didn't have a specific time frame? I know, I'm complaining when I really shouldn't. And yes, I'm typing this in pai...

Where else can I go? Jesus is my only refuge. Where else can I run but to Jesus? What else can I do? Nothing, but hide within his grace.

So, I've spent the past week or two or even three with B on my mind a lot. No kidding. He'd randomly appear in my mind and I either end up smiling because it brought me joy or I'd end up missing him a lot. This isn't healthy. NO, stop it. I've come to a point where I just want to forget these feelings because: 1. I want to focus on my relationship with God and don't want these feelings become a stumbling block if it isn't already. 2.  It's going nowhere, and most likely won't go anywhere because I don't plan on pursuing. (Not to mention, he doesn't like me/only sees me as a younger sister to take care of.) But, at the same time I don't want to because even though I know it won't go anywhere (no, I'm not going to hope that it will), I do have feelings for him that have grown a lot since I first liked him. (c'mon, it's been 2 years) It'll be difficult to let go of these feelings when I see him so often. What shou...

It's so funny how much of me I see in Vienna. Chatting with her about the exact same things I struggled and still continue to struggle with is a funny sight to see. And me being hypocritical. I should really act what I preach. :/

I've been a grumpy bum to my parents for the last few days. And I know it's not right, yet I continue to give them the "just stop talking, I don't want to listen" attitude. I'm not going to explain my sin because either way, it's wrong. Hey Daddy, sorry for everything I've said to my parents. Sorry for sinning, even though I was concious of it. I know that my parents are reasonable and that I'm not trying hard enough. In my sin, your name hasn't been glorified. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please guide me by your Holy Spirit to live by your will, so that your name will be glorified.

This is where I tell no-one that I need/want physical comfort. This is where I don't want to ask for comfort. When I thought my week couldn't get worse, it did. The guy called again. You have no idea how startled and afraid I am when he appears. Even knowing he is harmless and I have a bunch of people to protect me. Dad, he needs grace. He needs to seek your love. I, likewise need you. I need your comfort and your love.

Merely holding up in my state. I'm crumbling under anxiety, physical pain, and depression. Just want it all to stop. Right now. But despite all, I'm held up by the hope God has given me. The hope in knowing that God suffered the same as a human. He suffered much more even, and yet He was obedient to God. He glorified God in all his suffering. Hey Daddy, It's difficult. I just want to give up. But Jesus perservered, and so shall I. Please be my strength, my comfort, my foundation, my rock. Please hold me up even when I am crumbling.

Felt exceptionally alone today. It's been like this all week. It might just be my selfishness. But I don't know. What if I just disappeared? What if I died? They wouldn't care. You know, death is so much better than living. I'll be with God, doing what I love most all the time- praising God for his glory. I'll be with Jesus. How much better is that?

I wouldn't be surprised if I was diagnosed with anxiety. I've ticked off a lot of the symptoms already... But then again, 1 Peter 5:7

I hate going home. I hate the complaints, I hate the noise, I hate the useless remarks, I hate the lack of belonging felt. I hate being called names, I hate being called stupid, I hate being called crazy, I hate being called useless, I hate bing called sick. I hate that even though I'm not the oldest, I am treated like so. I hate the responsibility, I simply hate going home.

I think it's come to a point where I don't just like B, but rather I'm somewhat idolising him? I don't worship him or anything, no, he's definitely not God. Heck, he's not a perfect human being and he never will be. But, somehow, he occupies more of my thoughts that God does. That says something. And that also needs to change. :< Daddy, I want to whole-heartedly worship you and you only. But it's so difficult. So please guide me through your Holy Spirit so that I may be a faithful to you. If it is in your will for me to forget these feelings, then let it be so. Do not let B be a stumbling block in my walk with you. Amen.

I'm a people pleaser. I think it's unnessecary to defy authority, I have high expectations of myself because it makes my parents happy when I do well. I will agree to anything you say. I will say yes to anything. I won't defy orders. I aspired to become a doctor because it made my parents happy. I will do anything to make you happy, even if it causes my misery. I will put on a mask so you don't see my weakness. And because of that, you don't know me. What you see from me is called a nice person, to me it's a weakness. How I wish to not be a people pleaser, but someone who pleases God. Do I want approval of man or approval of God?

So sick of this pain. It stops me from doing anything, can't even get out of bed without rolling onto the floor. Can't walk without shuffling and clutching my stomach. Can't even stand up properly. Not to mention I'm always nauseous and dizzy. This is so annoying. Yet I can't do anything about it. No-one knows what it is. No-one understands what it feels like. It just hurts.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not suited to do medicine, even though it has been a dream of mine for so long. I guess I just fixated on the thought of doing it that I let other options fly past me. Although I still want to have a health related job, I won't make it a goal because my goal is to glorify God in all things. I will be a Christian. Everything else will come after that. I'm actually taking ministering towards infertile women or hospital chaplaincy very seriously now. It's a potential career and I think I would actually really enjoy it. One hurdle to get across is mum though. :/ Will however continually pray. We'll see what God thinks.

I don't know what's up...I think my emotions are becoming unstable again. /Sometimes I think I need to see a psychologist, but then I remember God created psychologists. haha. But honestly, been feeling strange lately, can't grasp it fully. It's a sudden rush of sadness, loneliness, despair...disappointment. And then I'm thinking about all these things that I can't let go. The major thing being infertility. I don't get why I just can't let it go. I simply don't understand. Daddy, may I take the example of all the great women in the Bible who trusted you in their lack of children, Hannah, Elizabeth. May I too, trust in your plans for me. May your will be done.

This is bad. I'm becoming more and more reliant on you, so much that it's becoming unhealthy, especially when we technically have no relation except siblings in Christ...and because I like you... Yup, this is really bad. Stop it Annie! Humans are fallible. Rely on God instead because He is omniscient, omnipresent, eternal, infallible, trustworthy- and this list goes on forever. So yeah. That's another struggle of mine!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjSio8jur2Y&feature=youtube_gdata_player Goodness me. I haven't cried so much in ages, but being reminded of God's sacrificial love for us is so convicting.

Extremely aware if how much has changed between us as compared to before. What can I say? People change, I did, you did. I guess we both grew up and moved away from the childish things that we had in common. As much as I wish we could go back to our friendship before, I'm glad we grew up. I'm glad we've become more mature. Because maybe if we didn't, I wouldn't have learnt to deal with change. You're still my best friend, I still love you a lot. We may have changed, but my perception of our friendship isn't any different. I miss you, but you now is so much better. I love you.♥

Oh gosh, seeing things from a different perspective really changes things. Over the past week, I've been constantly reminded that I need to really start to focusing on God and seeing how gracious He is rather than focusing on the bad side of things. It's a good lesson to learn and though I'm not there yet, I'm slowly working towards it. As stressful as exams may be, or as horrible my timetable is, I'm glad that it is the way it is. It's teaching me to really organise time better and get back into the routine of school everyday. On another note, having Helena keep me accountable is such a great blessing. In fact, Helena is such a great blessing. It's always a joy to be able to share joys, worries, and struggles with brothers and sisters. (So why don't you do it, you bum =_=) But no really, it's awesome. Keeping each other accountable, encouraging each other with God's words, it'd be great to do that with every sister in Christ. But darn, my ...

It wasn't the long messages, or the birthday spam that made my birthday special. No, definitely not. It was that simple message that did it. That made me so much more cheerful. On another note, I'm grateful to my closest mates for making me feel special today. Even though it really is just any other day. I love you guys heaps. No words can explain how thankful I am to God for putting these people in my life. No words can explain how thankful I am that during the 16 years I've lived, He's given me life and brought me into His family. Thank you God, for 16 years of blessings. There may have been ups, there may have been downs, but all in all, you have blessed me greatly throughout. Thank you.

Sat down after a long day to just relax and read Job 1-2. Job is a great example of what faith and reverance towards God should look like. Despite having all taken away from him, he still bows to the Lord and declares his greatness. Naked I have come in my mother's womb, and naked shall I depart. The Lord gave and the Lord had taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." And even when his wife speaks badly of God, he continues to fear God. This leads to the question I have to myself. How would I react if I had everything taken from me? If someone was there speaking against God, would I nod and say the same? I still seem to lack a lot of faith and that really needs to change.

Sometimes it feels like my sisters conceal things from me because I'm so much younger than them. I've realised, that as a sister I find it hard to care for them because I simply don't know. I know, I shouldn't stick my beak into other people's business if they don't want to tell me, but I really want to know how I can care and pray for them. They will share during prayer meeting before H2O but time constraints don't allow me to know details and the real problem. So it makes it hard to pray for the actual problem. :/

Where your treasures are is where your heart is. Really need to get my priorities straight OTL Other things (that will not be mentioned) are very very very close to surpassing God in terms of priority. I can say already that study is sometimes my top priority. But Colossians 3:1. (Cannot directly quote without Bible but will summarise) Set your hearts and minds on things above where Christ is seated at the right hand of the father, not on earthly things. Haven't been doing that. It's so difficult to do it. ;-; Hwaiting Annie! Keep praying!

Stop lying Annie, you know you can't. My family has always thought that I'm independent and mature enough to take care of myself. I myself want to think that too. But honestly, I want to be taken care of too. I don't want to be the independent one. But that's me being selfish. That's me putting burdens on people. That's me being annoying. Oi Annie, stop being a selfish bum and recognise that God is taking care of you. Stop being a burden and see that God is providing you with your needs and even the undeserved wants. Stop being whiny and see that God gave you a family, even two. Isn't that enough?

Chatting with mum about my sister a lot lately and it's really making me realize that we both really need to trust that God will give my sister the best. Philippians 4:6 It's come to the point where we've hit a wall and don't know what to do, but God gives us a great promise of peace in Him and I'm thankful for it. Pray Annie. God has it under control.

Was asked to lead Ignite but I really don't know if I should. I mean, I've NEVER lead a group before, not to mention some of these people are my friends. Just praying that God will help me make a wise decision that brings Him glory. I'm afraid that the 'yes' person side of me will take control and I'll just automatically say yes to leading. Aish. Don't know what to do! ><

It's good to be reassured that you aren't perfect, despite knowing so already. It is however, your imperfections that make me like you more. Perfection doesn't exist except in Jesus, but your imperfections are perfect enough for me.

Words can't explain how happy I am for you. You found someone who you "like" and will potentially marry! I am most thankful to God (and I know you are too) that He has given you a godly man. (I hope he is at least, but knowing you, you wouldn't find someone who doesn't love God.) My prayers for you have been answered. My prayers that God will give you someone who deserves such a beautiful you, someone who will love you sacrificially, someone who is able to take care of you. Despite the fact that I haven't met this guy, from your descriptions, I assume he is someone who will love you lots. I pray that the two of you will grow together in Christ,and not forget who had created you to be together. May God bless this relationship. P.S. Hope to meeting him soon ;3 Should do lunch together some day, or maybe I should visit your church again. We'll see :3

You told me today that it doesn't have to be fine. You said you'd protect me. I know I don't need to be okay with feeling unsafe. I know that I'm protected. But I can't say that I'm not fine. I can't say that everything isn't okay. Putting a burden on someone for them to carry is what I hate. And I know that I won't even be carrying this burden myself, I'm sharing it with God. Even if you don't believe me when I say I'm fine, just know that I will be fine. It will be okay, even if not now.

Knowing that God really does answer our prayers is a just a reassuring thing. From the smallest things like giving me a voice to sing while I'm sick to resolving problems with friends, He answers. The real challenge is accepting His answer when it's a 'no' or 'later'. It's so hard to accept that God doesn't always say yes to everything because He has greater plans for us. But this is what he wants for us, and as His child, we need to accept it, for He works for the good of those who love and trust Him. My God is a God who intervenes into my life and I live every moment knowing He is loving and good.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Have the tendency of not praying/rejoicing often enough. Gotta really take Jesus and Paul as an example. Prayyyyyyyyy Annie, PRAYYY.

Tell me honestly,  am I a burden to you? Am I annoying to you? Do you reqlly love me even though I'm problematic? Even though I'm made of flaws. Do you genuinely care? I doubt it.

I'm such a burden to my parents. I worry my mum so much, I can see it. Her concerned look when the doctor said I was to be on contraceptive pills, I'm such a burden. I just, don't want to worry them anymore. I want to show them that I can take care of myself, that I'm independent. But I know I can't. They will always see me as the worrisome child. I feel so...lost, God. I feel like my existence is a burden to everyone. I don't want to be. I just want to disappear from everyone's lives, leave not a trace, take that burden off them. Be one less worry. But I know however much I try, I'm only increasing their burdens. I'm such a burden. What can I do Daddy? Show me your ways.

Mark 4:35-41: One of the passages that have impacted me the most emotionally. In a way, I'm very similar to the disciples. It's not that I have no faith, but rather, I have a lack of trust. (Essentially the same thing huh?) I mean, I have faith in the fact that God sent His one and only son down to die, atoning for our sins. But, somehow I never seem to feel Him holding me as I walk this path. I trust that He is, don't get me wrong. (This is full of contradictions, I'm aware.) But I feel like I'm walking without direction. Maybe I'm just not listening to His guidance. Maybe my heart isn't quiet enough, I'm not patient enough to wait for him to speak to me. And I know, I only have myself to blame for this lack of trust. He's there for me, I'm sure. I just haven't let Him find me. "Quiet, be still" "Why are you so afraid. Do you still have no faith?"

"Since you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Not sure why this verse suddenly came into mind last night. But I know very well that I haven't been doing what it says. Life is consuming me. (I know, I know, common excuse.) But it's just the way things are. School, family, friends, so much to do, so much to think about. I HAVE been raised to life with Christ, and yet, I haven't made much of an effort to stop sinning, to stop putting other things before God. I haven't truly set my heart and mind on things about. I haven't been doing what I'm supposed to, loving the Lord with all my heart, all my mind, all my strength. I still possess so much sin in my life that needs to be rid of. Daddy, Be the Lord of my life. Give me a heart to love you with all my heart, all my mind and all my strength. Take away the sin that I have...

Annie Yan, why are so horrible at prioritising? Why are you not putting God first, but rather putting him in your sub-conscious? Annie, you're so selfish, so sinful. You don't deserve to be His child. You're too easily angered, too impatient. Learn to lean on Him. Learn to trust in Him. Learn to put Him first in your heart. Not anything else, not studies, not your crush, but GOD. Do it Annie. Don't just say it. Do it. Hey Daddy, Thank you for Jesus, thank you for being born as a man and dying for our sins, even knowing how despicable and sinful we humans are. Thank you for loving us and forgiving us through your son Jesus Christ. Daddy, I've done you wrong again. I've placed you after everything else, knowing very well that you should be the centre of my life. Things should revolve around you, not the other way. Please use your Holy Spirit to guide me back on track, where you are the centre of my life. Teach me to lean not on the superficial things of this w...

I'M SO ANNOYED AT MY DAD. DKSKSKFFR. NO. YOU DO NOT PISS ME OFF WHEN I'M MENSTRUATING AND WATCHING A MOVIE. NO. DO NOT QUESTIONS MY ABILITIES TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING. DO NOT JUST TURN OFF THE MOVIE IN IT'S CLIMAX. IF YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO DO IT TO YOU, DON'T DO IT TO OTHERS. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S 10:30. I WILL NOT BE SLEEPING SOON ANYWAY. SO DON'T GO AND TURN OFF MY MOVIE. URGH. WHEN HAVE I NOT BEEN ABLE TO WAKE UP AT 6:30 WHEN I SLEPT AT 2. HUH? COULDN'T YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THAT HOUR? FRKN. FJSKNFKET. NO DAD. JUST NO.

I remember, when I was younger, I tripped over a sticky tape dispenser, but didn't tell anyone in fear that my parents would scold me for being clumsy. I did that a lot actually, getting hurt but not telling people, and I still do it to this day. Whether I'm physically hurt or emotionally hurt, I have the tendency to keep it to myself, even knowing it's better to tell someone. The fear of judgement, fear of getting even more hurt, it all seems to consume me. That fear of being alone after someone finds out the reason of my hurt. I don't want it. I'd much rather keep to myself. But I know, I need to tell someone. I need to speak out. And yet, I'm still not doing so.

  But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being wi...

Looking back to 2012 properly, I've experienced so much that I'm really grateful for, and a lot that I'd never thought I'd ever experience. Starting from the beginning, simply moving houses and watching my old house be rebuilt, to now living in a completely re-furbished house. God is soooo gracious and has really blessed my family with more than we deserve. Not only putting food on our table, giving us clothes to wear and shelter to live it, but rather, enough food that we'll be more than full, new clothing that we don't even need and a completely new home where we can live and sleep comfortably. Being able to travel overseas with school was quite a fun experience for me, and I can definitely say I've made many, many unforgettable memories amd also learnt a whole lot. Taking in a Korean exchange student. Never in my life would I have thought my mum would let me take one in. But she did, and through that I've made so many new friends! Even with the lan...

Help me Daddy. You tell me to glorify you. You tell me to be blameless and pure. You tell me to be like your son. Why is it so hard? Don't give up you say. I want to. I just want to give up fighting. I want to give up running. I just want to stop. Be content. Rejoice. It's so hard. Why do I see no hope? You told me to find hope in you, find hope in your son. I can't find it. I can't find the light. It's like I'm stuck in never-ending darkness. I don't want to keep going. I'm scared. Afraid of what the future brings. God, help me. This life is so difficult. Please don't leave me alone. I can't do it without you here with me. Help me to be who you want me to be. Help me to glorify you. Give me strength to continue running, continue fighting. Help.